A friend of mine asked me to spread the word about a coffee promotion that is currently happening in Madison.
Why did she ask me? I have to believe there are 3 reasons.
1. I love coffee.
2. I write a blog.
3. The woman who wrote the funny essay about Whole Foods on HuffPo wasn't available.
Normally, I wouldn't unapologetically shill for anyone but myself. But actually, I'm a suitable person for this task. That is because -- as some of you may already know -- I was once hospitalized for drinking too much coffee.
Look, it wasn't the coffee's fault. What had happened was, I was racing to finish a big article. I had gotten behind in holiday shopping. And I had gotten very stressed out. My stress presented itself as chest pains.
I called the clinic, where the doctor on call told me that if I “believed I was having a heart attack,” I should go straight to the emergency room. If I did not believe that, then she was too busy to see me at the office.
Well, giving a seasoned hypochondriac the opportunity to self-diagnose in the privacy of their own home is always a mistake.
No, I didn’t really think I was having a heart attack. Honestly, I suspected it might have been acid reflux, brought on by an excessive ingestion of coffee, which I was drinking to comfort myself because I was feeling excessive amounts of stress. But I couldn't really rule out any number of severe illnesses, including but not limited to angina, pneumonia, or lung cancer.
I drove straight to her office.
When I got to the clinic -- and got past the angry lecture from the doctor -- they discovered I had an abnormal EKG. Again, this problem was not the coffee's fault. In fact, it wasn't really even a problem because as it turns out, abnormal EKG's are perfectly normal as long as you always have them. The problem is only that if nobody knows that, then you have to go to the hospital and stay overnight for further testing.
This was unfortunate. But mostly for the health insurance system. And for my sister. Who was working at the hospital that night. And who had decided to work as a physician in a hospital specifically because it would allow her to treat patients with critical needs, and avoid fake patients like me. And in the end, I went home with nothing but a severe case of caffeine withdrawal, and some pills for acid reflux. Sorry your premiums went up.
So what is the point of this story? That if you are anything like me -- i.e. you are the only person in your household who drinks coffee, you don't really like decaf, you make a full pot every morning, and you have a tendency to drink too much of it -- you shouldn't overtax your heart, your stomach, and the health insurance system. You should just make one cup at a time.
WHY IT'S THE PERFECT SEGUE TO KEURIG!
Here are the details:
1. Keurig mania is sweeping Madison, y'all. As we speak, Keurig representatives are setting up in town, getting ready to hand out both FREE brewing machines and FREE cups of coffee.
2. Why is Keurig doing this! Because they're trying to build interest in their new K-Cups. Madison drinks a lot of coffee. And in many areas -- with the possible exception of fashion, but who's judging-- Madison is a trend setting town.
3. Keurig is raising awareness by being generous! The company has donated money to the Madison Public Library Foundation and the Middleton Fire District. By the end of their campaign, they will have served upwards of 75,000 cups of coffee during free sampling events around Madison. Click here for details! There are only two events left!
4. Even if you don't want the free coffee -- because you already have enough coffee at your house, or you are on a transformational yoga journey -- you can get a new free coffee maker at one of their local trade-up events. Yeah. That's what I said. Keurig will GIVE you a brewer if you bring in your old coffee maker. Check that website for locations.
Do it fast! Because people have been lining up for hours to get the brewer. Keurig will recycle your old one for you! It's like Black Friday! But it's September! And nobody is going to get trampled!
And the only thing better than coffee, friends, is free coffee. Have a nice day.