Friday, October 14, 2016

If Trump has great words, we need better ones.







ENOUGH WITH THE KISSING.   

I don't mean enough talking about it, or reporting on it.   First lady Michelle Obama spoke for ALL the single and married ladies yesterday when she basically told America that HE WHO SHE WOULD NOT NAME was making her physically sick.  But even as she explained how sick she felt about it, Michelle the FOB (Friend of Beyonce) reinforced why it IS important to keep talking about it.  We all MUST keep truthing it.    Like Don the Good Lemon said last night to one of the Trumpster fires who was on his show trying to argue that the Putin-leaked Podesta risotto story was a more important election topic than HIS sexual assault rap sheet, NO.  It's an important national conversation, which we all need to have.  Shut up, cut to commercial.  

When I say ENOUGH with the kissing, I mean the words.   Kissing is a familiar word.  It is a conveniently descriptive word.   It is also HIS word, as in I CAN'T STOP KISSING THEM LIKE A MAGNET or whatever the fuck.   But when used to ACTUALLY describe what HE does to women -- women who are unlucky enough to work for him, sit near him on a plane, or be naked teenagers changing clothes in a dressing room that he stomps into -- it is a WOEFULLY insufficient word.  

You’re reading this and you’re like oh the feminist discourse chix.  UR SO BRAINY AND BORING, SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR.  Always on about the words we use and how they influence culture!  What does it matter?   WE ALL KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.    Imma tell you what.  And you better gird your lady loins, because I’m done with this rapey clown.  In fact, I was done last January, on this very blog.   Words matter.  

When a man forces his RAPE DICK into a woman's body, we don’t call it lovemaking.   OK, lovemaking is a goofy word that I don’t actually even use, because in a lot of real ways, I’m more like an unromantic dude than a romantic gurl.  (I also hate cuddling.  Just roll over and grab me a beer).   But fine, forget that word: Rape is ALSO not even called SEX.   For good reason.  If a woman is raped, the reason we don’t say THEY HAD SEX is that sounds consensual.  It sounds almost fun.    It sounds like you just had a nice roll and now you have beer.

Making the love and making the sex is what I think about when I have a glass of wine and my hubby's hair is a little bit messy, or his work shirt is one button open, or his smile is relaxed and lopsided when he looks at me.   Sex is what I might have later -- if the kids ever go to bed, and I haven’t had too much wine, and I am not already asleep on the couch -- because I love him and want to do extra closeup zoomed in bonding.  

Kissing – actual kissing – is soooo fun.  Whenever I fantasize about hooking up with Don Cheadle, we do SO MUCH kissing.  We do some interspersed talking about smart topics, during which we laugh and laugh and appreciate each other's fine wit.  And maybe if I'm into it, we get around to some sexing.  But still, no cuddling.   And mostly, it's kissing.  Because his mouth is nice, and his eyes are sweet pools of the smart man love.   (Also, if my husband is reading this, I never actually fantasize about hooking up with Don Cheadle.    That’s a hypothetical designed to confuse Texas Congressman Blake Farenthold. Carry on.)  

Actual kissing, IRL, is softness, sweetness, and sometimes in the right moment, super sexy mouthiness.
It's what little girls see in Disney movies, all their damn childhoods, when happiness wins and dreams come true.  
   
Actual kissing is nothing like what happened to me at the age of 14, at a Loverboy concert in Wisconsin, when some grown-ass man with a wannabe bandana around his sweaty head stuck his giant tongue into my mouth because I was there.  It felt like I was being choked with a pork tenderloin.   Actual kissing is nothing like what happened to me at 16, at a friend's house, when her 35-year old uncle forcibly opened my mouth with his mouth.   He had big teeth and a Tom Selleck mustache.  It felt like I was being choked with a brillo pad. This is why most women hate the dentist, by the way.  

When HE WHO MICHELLE OBAMA WILL NOT NAME bragged about kissing women, he wasn’t bragging about doing anything that ACTUAL WOMEN or HUMAN PEOPLE actually like about and/or associate with kissing.  He was NOT sexy.  He was NOT soft.  He was HELLA NOT sweet.  He was the opposite of my secret kissing friend, Don Cheadle.  

It was more like mouth rape.  Or mouth assault.  Call it FACE ASSAULT.  IDFC what we call it.  If the news reported that he FORCED HIS MOUTH OVER THEIR MOUTHS, or FORCED HIS TONGUE INTO THEIR MOUTHS that would sound like a lot of words.  But it would be more accurate than HE KISSED THEM.  And also, they have 24 hours of news coverage to get done.  They need extra words, anyway.  


PS, the same goes for hugging, by the way.  GIVE HIM A HUG, HONEY?  Isn't that what the bus turds said, to the woman who was sent to fetch them?    I think what you mean is move your body over here so we can inappropriately grope you.  Gross.  

Words matter.  Can we use better ones?




Thursday, September 22, 2016

This Election is a Shit Show, Everybody Panic!




Trump on Fallon, all mussed!


I keep hearing the television persons talkin bout this CRAAAAZY ELECTION, and sometimes shake their heads in #4REALZ disbelief, as if they just watched their uncle’s girlfriend with the red beehive hairdo and exposed midriff sit down at the Thanksgiving table and show granny the serpent tattoo she just got.  In her cleavage. 

No, I get it.  It’s been especially impressiveinabadway to see how much #whitemanger has been dredged up this election, for example. Who knew this particular group had it SO much worse than the rest of us?!  Between the MANyellings of #richoldwhitemanTrump and #socialistricholdwhitemanBernie, the political tension has been thicker than back in 2012, when DavidAxelBigRod threatened to shave his mustache on live TV if Obama lost a swing state.   Sidebar: Shall we take a moment to imagine women wagering the fate of their armpit hair on electoral college outcomes? No?  Right!  Moving on. 

Mostly because of Donnie but not entirely, mundane things in this election have turned into a mean and kinda dumb playground skirmishes.  Height.  Hand size.  Bathroom breaks.  Bacteria, on lungs.  The long-established superdelegate system that nobody complained about until a woman won it.  The latest firestorm was LITERALLY about a bowl of skittles, after that picture was tweeted out by l’il Donnie J. because he sees human beings in terms of terrible candy metaphors.  The Mars company distanced themselves, well done.    Skittles were like, but we immigrated here from England!   The Brexist people were like, oh yeah and STAY OUT!  Then it was just another day in The Life and there we were, again, debating the future of our planet on Twitter.  Go back to sleep, citizenry, no shitstorms to worry about here. 

But hold up.  Yassssss, I stole that segue from Beyonce´ cuz she has ALL the phrases.  Hold up with all the surprise about Crazylection2016.   WHY are we surprised that this election is a big serpentine shitstorm, tattooed in cleavage?   I’m not surprised AT ALL.   True, I am FeministAF.  I have a PhD in U.S history.  I have about a million fewer hotels than Trump, at least 2 fewer houses than Bernie, and a couple fewer brain cells than Gary Johnson because pot smoking.  Otherwise, though, I'm not a precognition-gifted witch, and I’m basically #richandwhite.  I won’t be at the top of PrezTrump’s internment camp traincar list when the shit goes down.  Even if I refuse to remove my Hillary yard sign, and my Hillary/Beyonce2016 bumper sticker, I don't need to be especially vigilant about the Trumpocalypse.   

It just seems to me like most of the dynamics in this election COULD have been foreseen by people who foresee stuff like this, and SHOULD have been because then we'd start dealing with it in fierce and furious and maybe bipartisan ways, rather than screaming at each other and acting all surprised.

WHAT?   A big chunk of this country seems to prefer wallowing in the comfort of personal opinion and privilege than considering the role of facts in BIG decisions?   WHAT?  A shit ton of sexist cockwaffles use hashtags like #CrookedHillary and #Shillary while promoting the candidacy of a guy who refuses to follow longstanding rules of presidential politics, whether that’s releasing taxes, releasing health records, or telling the truth to a room full of people who actually have the resources to quickly fact check his answers and discover he is lying?   WHAT?  Even when Trump is called out for BEING a liar, his supporters actually give zero fucks?  I don’t like to call any of my fellow citizens dumb.  That’s an issue of personal integrity for me.  But Trump supporters? That’s some fact-challenged fucking shit right there. And I'm not really surprised they exist.

In fact, NO part of this year is more cray than We The Fact People should have expected.   Hellzlots of our countryfolk eat KFC while sitting on the couch in front of FoxHarassmentNews.  Cable news and many news outlets in general have fact-parched this arid populace beyond recognition in order to follow horse races and "panels of experts."  OMFG ENOUGH PANELS.  There are people in your/my neighborhood who silently support Trump (without a yard sign because half of the term PC is the word “correct” and smart people just kinda know it’s not correct to be racist.  Not openly, anyway.)  Those people silently supported Scott Walker in Wisconsin too!   This election, to me, is just the logical outcome of 26 mass shootings per day, an 8-person Supreme Court, constant attacks on women's bodies both literal and figurative, a radical congressional ROADBLOCK called the Tea Party, a national furor over gay wedding cakes, and countless other political shitstorms that have become part of our national character.

Instead of adulting issues like sexism and racism and poverty and the overall #fuckupedness of humanity because The Life is hard, we long ago descended into some borderline personality disorder screamfest, where everyone vents their ongoing rage that NOBODY can find awesome solutions to meet everyone’s needs perfectly and in exactly the same way.    


HELL NAW, this election is exactly as crazy as our country is.  IF people are surprised because Trump, we aren't doing enough to take our national problems seriously and turn them around.  Not just on Twitter, but in The Real Life.  We aren’t looking close enough.  Or trying hard enough.  Or loving deep enough.   And believe me, the next time I hear someone blame ALL the problems on #rigged, ima fuck me up a bitch.

Monday, September 12, 2016

True Confessions: I am Hillary Clinton's Body Double

Heath Satow productions.


If you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you might have noticed it’s been pretty quiet lately. That’s because I was busy doing other things. Like, gardening. Along with the lesbiyeomans who Rush-the-painkillers Limbaugh says are taking over America with their folk music and rescue dogs, I significantly advanced the manocide this summer by growing SLAYONCE´ sized vegetables in neat rows of animal poo in my community garden. Community sounds like Lesbian and GUESS WHO runs that mother? This little red hen do.  None of my otherwise hangry family members ever offers to help. Whenever I ask, they’re like “weeding sux” or “it’s hot” or “the kale has bugs on it.” They go swimming and leave me covered head to toe in manure. Then all of a sudden it’s September, and my radical farmgenda has already been realized WITHOUT THEM. But that's cool. In the span of just a few short months -- while the bloviarchical man-fringe in this country has gone from #feelingtheBern to #feelingtheirJohnsons -- my pie pumpkins have taken the shit over. The. Entire. Plot. Fresh pies WILL be happening this autumn, haters, and not even Julian Leakocracy Assange will be able to steal them and give them to Donald Trump.

The other thing I did this summer was work as Hillary Clinton’s body double. NBD but SHHHHHHH, nobody tell Teresa Barnwell. Poor Teresa usually gets the job, and keeps the online trollway moving at a good clip by fessing up to her crooked impersonations of Clinton at F-list parties. She wanted this gig, too, OBVI. She wanted it baaaaaad, like those JillyBeans who want to believe that polio and measles are fake words made up by Barack Obama to trick them into buying his health insurance. But GUESS WHAT else? It was not #crookedTeresa who walked out of #crookedChelsea’s apartment (which you might notice isn’t even IN Chelsea, HA! GOTCHA!) and pretended to walk by herself and spontaneously hug "a little girl" while the REAL Hillary Sicklinton, who nonstop coughs, and can’t take a step without her SecretStepService, and in some pictures has crazy eyes like NOBODY else in a candid photo ever, was inside getting IV fluids from her newborn grandson who is actually the resurrected Vince Foster.

In fact, the jig was up almost as soon as the #HillarysBodyDouble hashtag was a thing, because Snopes got on the blower and started telling everyone that #crookedTeresa was in Los Angeles, inexplicably lip synching with two dudes who appear to have been equally bad Bill Clinton and Pharrell impersonators. Thanks, Snopes. But don’t take Snopes word for it. He's a dick. I know the truth about the body double scandal because IT WAS ME. And I have evidence.

First, anyone who knows me IRL knows that I got a super short haircut this spring. It was so much shorter and more lady-trying-to-be-presidential-looking that not one but TWO children, without prompting, who were at playdates at my house but not with me, told me I “looked like Hillary Clinton.” Or maybe they said I “looked like I was trying to look like Hillary Clinton.” Their exact message didn’t matter. Remember that Hasian guy (that’s a hot Asian, not a hungry Asian, fyi) who called Hillary a whore at a Bernie rally and then said he didn’t mean it because his wife threatened to run off with Don Lemon? Same same. The damage was already done. They nailed it. I WAS trying to look exactly like Hillz, because I had already accepted a job impersonating her for the general campaign, which Robby Mook lined up because he knew Hillary would have to pretend to stand and talk and stuff.

I couldn't even deny it because kids KNOW shit. They are just like the twitter bros who spend their days searching #imwithHer hashtags so they can send you a #penisticle of reasons why you’re a dumb bitch. Sidebar: Someone just tweeted that exact message to me yesterday. I got upset for a microsecond until my friend Heath quick researched the guy and found out his THREE OTHER TWEETS were requests for gamer codes. I blocked him and told him to crawl back into his basket. I WIN TWITTER AGAIN!

Look, I hate to feed more rumors into the mediatastrophe that’s happening this election cycle, and will probably happen forever until Commerce Secretary Ailes replaces the free press with our new national station, TrumpTV, which never talks about fake scandals because it only reports on Trumpian national treasures like WallBuilding and MuslimBanning and SpeechStealing.  I am well aware that half the DAFUQtorate in America is already worked up into a tizzy about #whichlivesmattermost and #whosinmybathroom and the infringement of the legal rights of VarsitySock Brock Turner by BitchesWhoWantToControlTheirOwnTheirVaginas.  puhleeze.  And no joke -- it’s dangerous to publicly admit that I was hired to play Hillary Sicklinton’s body double, and fly around the country in a padded pantsuit, trying to get myself purposely interrupted by Matt LowerTheBar Lauer so I don’t have to say anything #fauxserious about the Supreme Court or mental health or military vets.

DAYAM, readers, I live in Wisconsin! I am literally surrounded by mentally ill paranoid gunthusiasts on one side, who think taco trucks are WAYWORSE than Vladimir Pootin, and Bernlatics on the other, who think a powerful woman president who has talked about human rights for years ALL OVER the globe will probably do terrible things to human rights so we should throw our votes into the toilet of an anti-science pothead who can’t find Aleppo on Mike Barnicle’s face, or the #womancandidateBrosLike who thinks it was great when Cubans lost weight because they had to eat zoo animals. Yummmmmm, low cholesterol.

But yeah. I'm coming clean.  The Deplorables have good theories.  Hillary Clinton is definitely chronically ill, and I am her body double which talked to a kid on the sidewalk for her, because her wobbly standing problems make FDR look like Usain Bolt by comparison. Other stuff: The DNC is totally going to replace her with Bernie because #rigged. And any day now, Trump will release his health records, his tax records, and explain to the mental satisfaction of his MAD AS HELL wypipo supporters why his European models didn’t need regular visas but Mexicans do. It’s gonna be the biggest basket of truth you’ve ever seen. It's gonna be a Fucking Cornucopia. Believe me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Guess the Emojis, Election Edition!





My kids play at app called Guess the Emoji, where emojis are strung together as clues for popular words or phrases.
Same concept here.
But more political.
And since I'm not an illustrator, you'll have to pretend the words are pictures.
Good luck!



1.        HAIRPIECE + TOILET + MOUTH
            Answer: Donald Trump


2.        HAMMER AND SICKLE + OLD CAR + MAD RED FACE
            Answer: Bernie Sanders


3.        PANTSUIT + WOMEN’S BATHROOM SIGN + RORSCHACH INK BLOT
            Answer: Hillary Clinton


4.        MOUNTIE + BALD EAGLE + LIGHTNING BOLT + OPENING SKY
            Answer: Ted Cruz

5.        TROPICAL ISLAND + BABY DOLPHIN + RUNNING MAN + EXIT SIGN
            Answer: Marco Rubio

6.        HAMBURGER + MOUNTIE + ZUCCHINI+ HAND + PEACH + PANTSUIT
            Answer: Chris Christie and Ted Cruz vowing to spank Hillary Clinton

7.        JUSTICE SCALES + DRONE+ BIBLE + PANTSUIT + JAILHOUSE
            Answer: Ted Cruz talking points

8.        BOXING GLOVES + HEARTS + WHITE WOMAN FACE +  BROWN MAN FACE  + EARS
            Answer: Hillary Clinton talking points

9.        DOLLAR SIGN + PIG SNOUT + BANK + FLAMES + FLYING PUPPY DOG
            Answer: Bernie Sanders’ platform

10.      SEE NO EVIL MONKEY + SALUTING WHITE HAND + WALL + TICKING TIME BOMB
            Answer: Trump rally

11.      MAN + WOMAN + BABY + BIBLE + FOOT + U.S. CONSTITUTION
            Answer: Evangelicals for Cruz


12.      HAMBURGER + HAIRPIECE + HAND + PEACH
            Answer: Trump spanking former candidate Chris Christie


 13.      BEARDED WHITE MAN FACE + ZUCCHINI + PS4 + SNOWBOARD
            Answer: Bernie Bro

14.      BIRD + FOX + TOILET + MOUTH + ZUCCHINI +FLAMENCO DANCER
            Answer: Donald Trump tweet calling Megyn Kelly a bimbo

15.      WOMEN’S BATHROOM SIGN + BUTCHER KNIFE + ZUCCHINI + FLAMENCO DANCER + FOOT + STEAMING SHIT PILE
            Answer: Gloria Steinem dissing female Sanders supporters

16.      WHITE FACE + PRIUS + STARBUCKS CUP + DUFFLE BAG + UP    ARROW
            Answer: Left wing threats to move to Canada

17.      MAD RED FACE + ZUCCHINI + NUMBER 538 + CLOTHES HANGER + BACK     ALLEY
            Answer: Two good reasons the Bros need to get over themselves

18.      ELEPHANT + FOX + DEVIL HORNS + ORANGE BABY FACE
            Answer: Trump as demonic offspring of GOP and FOX News      

19.      OLD CAR + FAT BLUNT  + FLYING PUPPY DOG
            Answer: Millennials driving to Burning Man and/or Sanders rally

20.     ELEPHANT + PARTY HAT + SCISSORS + BOOKS + SCHOOLTEACHER
            Answer: GOP education budget

21.      HAIRPIECE + KITCHEN + SOMBRERO + SPITTING MOUTH + BOWL OF FOOD
            Answer: Latino line cook at Trump fundraiser

22.     BROWN MAN FACE + CRESCENT MOON + TAXI  + SALUTING WHITE HAND
            Answer: Muslim cab driver driving past a Trump supporter

23.     ZUCCHINI + RORSCHACH INK BLOT + FLYING PUPPY DOG
            Answer: Sanders supporters who’d totally vote for Elizabeth Warren


24.     DARK GLASSES + BASEBALL BAT + BABY SEAL + CHAMPAGNE +  BIRD +  HAMMER AND SICKLE + ZUCCHINI + PANTSUIT
            Answer: Vast right wing conspiracy, retweeted by Bros

25.     EARTH + FLAMES + ZUCCHINI + POLAR BEAR + TICKING TIME BOMB
            Climate change





             

           


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

HONK FOR A PARKING REVOLUTION!








My husband got mad at me recently because I drove his car to the grocery store and when I came out again, it wouldn’t start.  Because I'm a rabid feminist about everything except garbage and cars, I called him to deal with it.  He called Triple A, and he waited with the car.   It wasn’t like he blamed me for his car trouble.  That would be patriarchal.  And it was a freezing cold day.  He was just angry because I had parked his dead-ass battery in the HYBRID CARS ONLY spot.   

Needless to say, he doesn’t drive a hybrid.  Nor do I.

Yes, I do it all the time.  I behave this way for 3 reasons.  One, I like to rankle the left-wing hippies.  The fact that it succeeds just makes me more committed to my cause.   Almost every time I do it, an angry customer with a hemp infinity scarf walks by and loudly remarks to her patchouli-scented partner, “That’s not a hybrid car!”   


The only problem is, the hippies aren’t the only ones who get rankled by it.  One time, a very patient father had to redirect his young son, who may have been autistic because he was quite rankled by the categorical violation.  He stood there for several minutes, telling his dad (over and over) how it was a busy holiday weekend, and that may have been the only free spot.   Which was 100% true.  But it was embarrassing.  I felt really bad.  I didn’t park there again for like, two months. Until the next really busy day when the only open spot was the HYBRID CARS ONLY one.

The 2nd reason is that parking category is stupid.   Nobody needs me to provide a sustainability chart on relative carbon footprints.  We have an internet for that.   But I will say, I drive an average of 2 miles a day in my gasoline-guzzling SUV.  Now throw in a customer questionnaire about how often I fly on airplanes – almost never, by the way, because I’m a chicken shit – and I guarantee my carbon footprint kicks those hybrid drivers’ carbon footprints’ asses.  Also, everyone knows that driving a used/recycled car with good emissions is better for the environment that buying a brand new fucking Prius.    That battery has a large carbon footprint.  Put on your infinity scarf and walk to Whole Foods.

The 3rd reason I sometimes park there is that those parking signs are not laws.  They are suggestions -- and thank you to Whole Foods for the great advice – but I don’t feel compelled to take them.  I would never in a million years park in a disabled spot.  Those are legal parking spots for people whom the state has recognized as a special category.  Do people abuse them and leave their disabled tags on their cars even when their carpel tunnel is healed, or their actually disabled spouse is home watching The Voice?   Of course they do.   Everyone is born with the God given potential to be a self-serving hypocrite.  Even Bernie Sanders.  I’m looking at you, millennials.

But I digress.  

The best argument in support of this reasoning is that the suggested special parking spot varies so dramatically from store to store.  Every store has their own special definition of who deserves a special spot these days.  I had to laugh the other day, when pulling into Home Depot to buy a washing machine, at their reserved spots for military veterans.    Veterans?  Not even disabled veterans?   What about veterans who kick their dogs?  I'm grateful for our veterans.  I donate money to them on a regular basis.  But c'mon: That's a helpful suggestion.  

If you get groceries at Copps, on the other hand, you get a special spot for being pregnant and/or having small children.  Are those people equally burdened too?  What if your toddler is an early walker?   How about cat ladies who don't have human children?  What if you’re only 2 months pregnant and never have morning sickness?  I’m a heavy drinker and hung over like, every third day.  I guarantee I have more trouble getting across that parking lot than a pregnant woman who isn’t even drinking.   Helpful suggestion.

Then there’s Metcalfe’s, with their 80 special spots for the elderly.   Listen, elderly: I know you are more rickety and tired than me, and have to deal with an increasing number of health problems.  You're a lot like veterans in the sense that I don't actually park in your spots, except maybe like one time.  My parents are older now, and I had to take down their Christmas tree and drag it to the curb this year by myself, because they were both dealing with muscular issues.    On the other hand, when they are feeling fine, they have no problem walking half a mile in cold weather to basketball games, and 3 miles down the beach in the Cayman Islands.  My mother-in-law just turned 80 and won an award for swimming 500 miles at her gym last year.  There are 365 days in the year, bitches.  Even when it’s not leap year.  Do the math. 

Helpful.  Suggestion.

I feel the same way about 15 minute parking spots, by the way.  How am I supposed to know how long it will take to pick up my Japanese takeout?  What if the sushi chef is backed up, and then I run into a neighbor who wants to tell me about her new hot tub?   Also, why do some stores give you 10 minutes instead of 15?  Are Supercuts customers faster than Aveda spa customers?   OK, maybe.  Anyway.  

Sometimes, I like to imagine the special signs that other stores in town might have, if this special privilege space trend becomes a thing.  Like this:

Bookstore:  Reserved for People Who Read Lots of Self-Help Books
Pool:  Reserved for Triathletes with OCD and Ladies Who Take Water Aerobics
Hardware Store: Reserved for People Trying to Paint Their Kids' Bedrooms
Schools: Reserved for Parent Volunteers, But Only If They Work in the Lunchroom, Which Smells Bad
Local Pub: Reserved for Women Forced to Accompany their Boyfriends to Watch Football



Readers, the hybrid spot is fake.  I'm not a law breaker.  That kind of space is a helpful suggestion much like the one given to me by my mom, when I was younger and single: Join a church group to meet a husband.  I didn’t take that suggestion either.  Somehow, things worked out.  So until the revolution comes -- and the only special fake parking spots are reserved for apparatchiks of Chairman Sanders – I’ll probably keep doing it.    But for my husband’s sake, only when driving my own car.