Things I've Recently Thought During Therapy, Massage, Sex, and/or Holiday Baking

1.  This might be more relaxing if you weren’t constantly checking the timer.

2.  Turn over... again?

3.   Sorry but that is WAY too much to process this early in the morning.

4.   Elbow deep in grease.  Have to go to the bathroom.  Perfect.

5.  I might do the couples thing, but no way I’m doing a group. 

6.  And sometimes I like doing it alone.

7.  Because a) I already put on makeup and b) my face gets puffy when I’m face down for too long.

8.  Already finished? Awesome, now I can go watch TV.

9.  Yesterday I made tiny gingerbread versions of everyone in my family then systematically snapped off all their limbs. (Wait, did I just say that out loud?)

10.  Keep kneading until soft and smooth?  Ugh.  So tired.

11.  Some parts are meant to be left unknown.  Know what I'm saying?

12.  No I don’t want to have my cake and eat it too.  What I really want is to frost my cake with buttercream, decorate it, and watch other people get fat.

13.  I'm ready to kick it up a notch.  But not more than twice a week. And never with a chocolate rimming kit.

14.  Is it just me or is it cold in here?

15.  Because whenever I smell cloves, I have a terrible flashback to the time I had morning sickness and puked a cup of chai tea into a sink full of dirty dishes. 

16.  Dude, no.  Too soon.

17.  Keep poking at that same trigger point, and it’s going to turn into a trigger warning.

18.  Still not finished?

19.  Maybe I do have an intimacy problem.  But no man should feel that comfortable in bare feet and an apron.

20.  Would it bother you if I took a quick nap and let you do your thing?

21.  No offense but if I wanted to listen to someone else talk right now, I’d turn on public radio. 

22.  Every year I tell myself I’m done with this cookie cutter bullshit.  But here I am again.  Sprawled out over this old farm table.  Going through the motions. 

23.  I’m not sure why I’m crying.  Lavender allergy?

24.  I wouldn’t even have to do this right now if my damn relatives would just stay at a hotel!

25.  This reminds me of the time my cheese soufflé collapsed.  So disappointing.  So hard to recover.

26.  This reminds me of the time I tried to peel a lemon with a paring knife.  So painful.  So pointless.

27.  One of these days, I hope to get some better tools.  Until then, more alcohol.

28.  Why do I always end up with the bitter ones?

29.  It’s like I woke up one day and the entire world was obsessed with spicy candied nuts.

30.  Whoops. Drool.