Thursday, May 17, 2018

20 Things You Can Do If You’re A White Person, INSTEAD OF Calling the Police on a Black Person

1.    Ask yourself: “Am I in danger, or just fucking racist?”

2.    Enjoy a vanilla latte from Starbucks.  You can even use the bathroom first if you want. If there’s a black person also using the bathroom, the answer is no, don’t call the police.

3.    Call your poor white neighbors and ask them if they regret their Trump votes yet.

4.    Go find a job.  That black person might even hire you if you’re qualified. But please don’t apply to be a police officer.  You seem interested in that line of work, but the rest of us actually deserve better.

5.    Stick your thumb up your ass and see if you can make a little extra room.

6.    Read your first book about racial segregation, or housing discrimination, or lynching, or incarceration rates, or colonialism.  Or slavery, which WAS a choice.  Only white people's though.

7.    Stop and smell the roses, which an immigrant probably planted while making America great.  

8.     Look up some funny vines, if the librarian allows it. 

9.    Watch one of the 3 Thor movies, and reminisce about the good old days when Marvel movies had only white pretend gods.  

10.   Sign up to join Our Revolution. They definitely have a spot for you on their team.

11.  Or just yell LOCK HER UP really loud over and over, which is another crazy-ass white person thing to do, that also has nothing to do with reality. 

12.  Buy a cookbook and learn how to make potato salad.

13.  Sit down next to a confederate statue and masturbate.  Alone.  It’s what incels do best.

14.  Download some Kanye music.  He’s alright. Wink.

15.  Check twitter.

16.  Click your heels together 3 times, and when you get back to Kansas, stay there forever.

17.  Try opioids. They’re probably not addictive. 

18.  Smile and say hello.  Who knows, you just might end up with a black friend!

19.  Pause and query, what would Black Jesus do?

20.  Mind your own goddamn business.