tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27282456299651580722024-03-04T20:16:19.570-08:00life after nyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-23543640775480833652018-05-17T07:50:00.002-07:002018-05-17T07:50:34.683-07:0020 Things You Can Do If You’re A White Person, INSTEAD OF Calling the Police on a Black Person<br />
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18.399999618530273px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.5in; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: -0.25in; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Ask yourself: “Am I in danger, or just fucking racist?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18.399999618530273px; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.5in; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: -0.25in; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Enjoy a vanilla latte from Starbucks. You can even use the bathroom first if you want. If there’s a black person also using the bathroom, the answer is no, don’t call the police.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Call your poor white neighbors and ask them if they regret their Trump votes yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Go find a job. That black person might even hire you if you’re qualified. But please don’t apply to be a police officer. You seem interested in that line of work, but the rest of us actually deserve better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Stick your thumb up your ass and see if you can make a little extra room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Read your first book about racial segregation, or housing discrimination, or lynching, or incarceration rates, or colonialism. Or slavery, which WAS a choice. Only white people's though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Stop and smell the roses, which an immigrant probably planted while making America great. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;"> Look up some funny vines, if the librarian allows it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Watch one of the 3 Thor movies, and reminisce about the good old days when Marvel movies had only white pretend gods. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;"> Sign up to join Our Revolution. They definitely have a spot for you on their team.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Or just yell LOCK HER UP really loud over and over, which is another crazy-ass white person thing to do, that also has nothing to do with reality. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Buy a cookbook and learn how to make potato salad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Sit down next to a confederate statue and masturbate. Alone. It’s what incels do best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 16.866666793823242px;">Download some Kanye music. He’s alright. Wink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-7861855060542223932017-06-07T07:24:00.001-07:002017-06-07T07:31:38.734-07:00Sonnets to 44 and 45, From a Forlorn Hillary Fan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtXW-v3j8x7bvh4t8qXNVifE3dVgB79-Q3HbiQIrwWwamVWENxIzICI322bsR7aK3Hc52BOnDiZ1puAvPPlWdsK6Fggb9asnreTPmv-AL0Yry5Nv7Pl5Sl11ezEzaLt3IkJ17dgz3fKJI/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-06-07+at+9.07.39+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1120" data-original-width="1296" height="276" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtXW-v3j8x7bvh4t8qXNVifE3dVgB79-Q3HbiQIrwWwamVWENxIzICI322bsR7aK3Hc52BOnDiZ1puAvPPlWdsK6Fggb9asnreTPmv-AL0Yry5Nv7Pl5Sl11ezEzaLt3IkJ17dgz3fKJI/s320/Screen+Shot+2017-06-07+at+9.07.39+AM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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44<br />
If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,<br />
O'er sea and land I'd muse myself to thee;<br />
To what District (or state) you've gone to plot,<br />
Next steps, under your own vine and fig tree.<br />
I'd come with many long-brewing questions:<br />
'Bout the DNC, and whither dad jeans,<br />
How to suppress the voter suppression,<br />
Will Michelle keep sowing her mustard greens,<br />
Why doesn't common sense gun control pass,<br />
Isn't Paul Ryan the world's biggest jerk,<br />
Why didn't you hand James Comey his ass,<br />
And thank you, forty-four, for your calm work,<br />
But also, sir, I would drop this knowledge:<br />
I'm so done with that electoral college.<br />
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45<br />
Speaking of plots and of rising despots,<br />
The dank odor of your every decree;<br />
Though it means nothing to you, sans-culottes<br />
Are words which most richly relate to thee.<br />
For your beastly behavior, boasts of walls,<br />
For your farcical feigning of greatness,<br />
And cronies who jaw confederate drawls,<br />
I cling to hope for poetic justice,<br />
As a famous bard hath once recounted,<br />
Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall,<br />
You won -- yea, sheltered by your accountant,<br />
But gilded secrets may just end it all.<br />
Until then, the fair sex wants you to know,<br />
You'll never be cool like Justin Trudeau.<br />
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<br />Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-17432035007873249862016-10-14T07:34:00.002-07:002016-10-17T06:49:03.130-07:00If Trump has great words, we need better ones.<br />
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ENOUGH WITH THE KISSING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I don't mean enough </span>talking about it, or reporting on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First lady Michelle Obama spoke for ALL the single and married ladies yesterday when she basically told America
that HE WHO SHE WOULD NOT NAME was making her physically sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But even as she explained how sick she felt about it, </span>Michelle the FOB (Friend of
Beyonce) reinforced why it IS important to keep talking about it. We all MUST keep truthing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like Don the Good Lemon said last night to one
of the Trumpster fires who was on his show trying to argue that the Putin-leaked
Podesta risotto story was a more important election topic than HIS sexual
assault rap sheet, NO. It's an important national conversation, which we all need to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Shut up, cut to commercial. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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When I say ENOUGH with the kissing, I mean the
words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Kissing is a</span> familiar word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a conveniently descriptive word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It is also HIS word, as in I CAN'T STOP KISSING THEM LIKE A MAGNET or whatever the fuck. But w</span>hen used to ACTUALLY describe what HE does to women -- women who are unlucky enough to work for him, sit near him on a plane, or be naked teenagers
changing clothes in a dressing room that he stomps into -- it is a WOEFULLY insufficient word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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You’re reading this and you’re like oh the feminist
discourse chix. UR SO BRAINY AND BORING, SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR. Always on about the words we use and how they influence culture! What does it matter? WE ALL KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. Imma tell you what. And you better gird your lady loins, because
I’m done with this rapey clown. In fact, I was done <a href="http://lifeafterny.blogspot.com/2016_01_01_archive.html" target="_blank">last January,</a> on this very blog. Words matter. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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When a man forces his RAPE DICK into a woman's body, we don’t
call it lovemaking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> OK, l</span>ovemaking is a
goofy word that I don’t actually even use, because in a lot of real ways, I’m more like an unromantic dude than a romantic gurl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> (</span>I also hate
cuddling. Just roll over and grab me a beer).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But fine, forget that word: Rape is ALSO not even called SEX.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> For good reason. </span>If a woman is raped, the reason we don’t say THEY HAD SEX is that sounds consensual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds almost fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It sounds like you just had a nice roll and now you have beer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Making the love and making the sex is what I think about when I have a
glass of wine and my hubby's hair is a little bit messy, or his work shirt
is one button open, or his smile is relaxed and lopsided when he looks at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sex is what I might have later -- if the kids ever go to bed, and I haven’t
had too much wine, and I am not already asleep on the couch -- because I love him and want to do extra closeup zoomed in bonding. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kissing – actual kissing – is soooo fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whenever I fantasize about hooking up with
Don Cheadle, we do SO MUCH kissing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do some interspersed talking about smart topics, during which we laugh and laugh and appreciate each other's fine wit. And maybe if I'm into it, we get around to some sexing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still, no
cuddling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And mostly, it's kissing. Because his mouth is nice, and his eyes are sweet pools of the smart man love. (</span>Also, if my husband is reading
this, I never actually fantasize about hooking up with Don Cheadle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a hypothetical designed to confuse
Texas Congressman Blake Farenthold. Carry on.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actual kissing, IRL, is softness, sweetness, and sometimes in the right
moment, super sexy mouthiness.<br />
It's what little girls see in Disney movies, all their damn childhoods, when happiness wins and dreams come true. <b> </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actual kissing is nothing like what happened to
me at the age of 14, at a Loverboy concert in Wisconsin, when some grown-ass man with a wannabe bandana around his sweaty head stuck his
giant tongue into my mouth because I was there.
It felt like I was being choked with a pork tenderloin. Actual kissing is nothing like what
happened to me at 16, at a friend's house, when her 35-year old uncle forcibly
opened my mouth with his mouth. He had big teeth and a Tom Selleck mustache. It felt like I was being choked with a brillo pad. This is why most women hate the dentist, by the way. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When HE WHO MICHELLE OBAMA WILL NOT NAME bragged about kissing women, he wasn’t bragging
about doing anything that ACTUAL WOMEN or HUMAN PEOPLE actually like about and/or associate with
kissing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He was </span>NOT sexy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He was </span>NOT soft.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He was </span>HELLA NOT sweet. He was the opposite of my secret kissing friend, Don Cheadle. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was more like
mouth rape. Or mouth assault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Call it FACE ASSAULT. IDFC </span>what we call it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the
news reported that he FORCED HIS MOUTH OVER THEIR MOUTHS, or FORCED HIS TONGUE
INTO THEIR MOUTHS that would sound like a lot of words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it would be more accurate than HE KISSED THEM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And also, they have 24 hours of news coverage to
get done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> They need extra words, anyway. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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PS, the same goes for hugging, by the way. GIVE HIM A HUG, HONEY? Isn't that what the bus turds said, to the woman who was sent to fetch them? I think what you mean is move your body over here so we can inappropriately grope you. Gross. </div>
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Words matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Can we use better ones?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-51642908602012404522016-09-12T13:00:00.001-07:002016-09-12T19:28:03.715-07:00True Confessions: I am Hillary Clinton's Body Double <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWDp_XgovYOvrmomjbq_oKdkn_O3OM4SOFeCHqlGpoNEe5W223K-kWDSqqQQOSl3POhaTUlQV6ITGill9yZWYYQ3loSCB0l_XKGGqXhwjFxLybHMjpXdtLLMOSkPD4p8rCsAxpio-Ztm4/s1600/BODY+DOUBLE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWDp_XgovYOvrmomjbq_oKdkn_O3OM4SOFeCHqlGpoNEe5W223K-kWDSqqQQOSl3POhaTUlQV6ITGill9yZWYYQ3loSCB0l_XKGGqXhwjFxLybHMjpXdtLLMOSkPD4p8rCsAxpio-Ztm4/s320/BODY+DOUBLE.jpg" width="202" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heath Satow productions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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If you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you might have noticed it’s been pretty quiet lately. That’s because I was busy doing other things. Like, gardening. Along with the lesbiyeomans who Rush-the-painkillers Limbaugh says are taking over America with their folk music and rescue dogs, I significantly advanced the manocide this summer by growing SLAYONCE´ sized vegetables in neat rows of animal poo in my community garden. Community sounds like Lesbian and GUESS WHO runs that mother? This little red hen do. None of my otherwise hangry family members ever offers to help. Whenever I ask, they’re like “weeding sux” or “it’s hot” or “the kale has bugs on it.” They go swimming and leave me covered head to toe in manure. Then all of a sudden it’s September, and my radical farmgenda has already been realized WITHOUT THEM. But that's cool. In the span of just a few short months -- while the bloviarchical man-fringe in this country has gone from #feelingtheBern to #feelingtheirJohnsons -- my pie pumpkins have taken the shit over. The. Entire. Plot. Fresh pies WILL be happening this autumn, haters, and not even Julian Leakocracy Assange will be able to steal them and give them to Donald Trump.<br />
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The other thing I did this summer was work as Hillary Clinton’s body double. NBD but SHHHHHHH, nobody tell Teresa Barnwell. Poor Teresa usually gets the job, and keeps the online trollway moving at a good clip by fessing up to her crooked impersonations of Clinton at F-list parties. She wanted this gig, too, OBVI. She wanted it baaaaaad, like those JillyBeans who want to believe that polio and measles are fake words made up by Barack Obama to trick them into buying his health insurance. But GUESS WHAT else? It was not #crookedTeresa who walked out of #crookedChelsea’s apartment (which you might notice isn’t even IN Chelsea, HA! GOTCHA!) and pretended to walk by herself and spontaneously hug "a little girl" while the REAL Hillary Sicklinton, who nonstop coughs, and can’t take a step without her SecretStepService, and in some pictures has crazy eyes like NOBODY else in a candid photo ever, was inside getting IV fluids from her newborn grandson who is actually the resurrected Vince Foster.<br />
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In fact, the jig was up almost as soon as the #HillarysBodyDouble hashtag was a thing, because <a href="http://www.snopes.com/hillary-barnwell-body-double/" target="_blank">Snopes got on the blower</a> and started telling everyone that #crookedTeresa was in Los Angeles, inexplicably lip synching with two dudes who appear to have been equally bad Bill Clinton and Pharrell impersonators. Thanks, Snopes.
But don’t take Snopes word for it. He's a dick. I know the truth about the body double scandal because IT WAS ME. And I have evidence.<br />
<br />
First, anyone who knows me IRL knows that I got a super short haircut this spring. It was so much shorter and more lady-trying-to-be-presidential-looking that not one but TWO children, without prompting, who were at playdates at my house but not with me, told me I “looked like Hillary Clinton.” Or maybe they said I “looked like I was trying to look like Hillary Clinton.” Their exact message didn’t matter. Remember that Hasian guy (that’s a hot Asian, not a hungry Asian, fyi) who called Hillary a whore at a Bernie rally and then said he didn’t mean it because his wife threatened to run off with Don Lemon? Same same. The damage was already done. They nailed it. I WAS trying to look exactly like Hillz, because I had already accepted a job impersonating her for the general campaign, which Robby Mook lined up because he knew Hillary would have to pretend to stand and talk and stuff. <br />
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I couldn't even deny it because kids KNOW shit. They are just like the twitter bros who spend their days searching #imwithHer hashtags so they can send you a #penisticle of reasons why you’re a dumb bitch. Sidebar: Someone just tweeted that exact message to me yesterday. I got upset for a microsecond until my friend Heath quick researched the guy and found out his THREE OTHER TWEETS were requests for gamer codes. I blocked him and told him to crawl back into his basket. I WIN TWITTER AGAIN!<br />
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Look, I hate to feed more rumors into the mediatastrophe that’s happening this election cycle, and will probably happen forever until Commerce Secretary Ailes replaces the free press with our new national station, TrumpTV, which never talks about fake scandals because it only reports on Trumpian national treasures like WallBuilding and MuslimBanning and SpeechStealing. I am well aware that half the <b>DAFUQtorate</b> in America is already worked up into a tizzy about #whichlivesmattermost and #whosinmybathroom and the infringement of the legal rights of VarsitySock Brock Turner by BitchesWhoWantToControlTheirOwnTheirVaginas. puhleeze. And no joke -- it’s dangerous to publicly admit that I was hired to play Hillary Sicklinton’s body double, and fly around the country in a padded pantsuit, trying to get myself purposely interrupted by Matt LowerTheBar Lauer so I don’t have to say anything #fauxserious about the Supreme Court or mental health or military vets.<br />
<br />
DAYAM, readers, I live in Wisconsin! I am literally surrounded by mentally ill paranoid gunthusiasts on one side, who think taco trucks are WAYWORSE than Vladimir Pootin, and Bernlatics on the other, who think a powerful woman president who has talked about human rights for years ALL OVER the globe will probably do terrible things to human rights so we should throw our votes into the toilet of an anti-science pothead who can’t find Aleppo on Mike Barnicle’s face, or the #womancandidateBrosLike who thinks it was great when Cubans lost weight because they had to eat zoo animals. Yummmmmm, low cholesterol.<br />
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But yeah. I'm coming clean. The Deplorables have good theories. Hillary Clinton is definitely chronically ill, and I am her body double which talked to a kid on the sidewalk for her, because her wobbly standing problems make FDR look like Usain Bolt by comparison. Other stuff: The DNC is totally going to replace her with Bernie because #rigged. And any day now, Trump will release his health records, his tax records, and explain to the mental satisfaction of his MAD AS HELL wypipo supporters why his European models didn’t need regular visas but Mexicans do. It’s gonna be the biggest basket of truth you’ve ever seen. It's gonna be a Fucking Cornucopia. Believe me.
Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-89165201546070080042016-03-22T13:50:00.001-07:002016-03-22T13:52:53.404-07:00Guess the Emojis, Election Edition!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFL_cUqpReGPq88sINSo1Z0xp9-gxJbedcWzqRPMOof4mCc4brRO5Ba5Bf4yN96dXOvzsU0IYS8or6K5QlXbSi_6Po4CwtjGXbUTH32aexKRzd1b-I3YBH5qQza8yxutSUmp6kGBB2UrQ/s1600/emoji_2946521b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFL_cUqpReGPq88sINSo1Z0xp9-gxJbedcWzqRPMOof4mCc4brRO5Ba5Bf4yN96dXOvzsU0IYS8or6K5QlXbSi_6Po4CwtjGXbUTH32aexKRzd1b-I3YBH5qQza8yxutSUmp6kGBB2UrQ/s320/emoji_2946521b.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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My kids play at app called <i>Guess the Emoji</i>, where emojis are strung together as clues for popular words or phrases.<br />
Same concept here.<br />
But more political.<br />
And since I'm not an illustrator, you'll have to pretend the words are pictures.<br />
Good luck!</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">1. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HAIRPIECE + TOILET + MOUTH<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Donald Trump<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HAMMER
AND SICKLE + OLD CAR + MAD RED FACE<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Bernie Sanders<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>PANTSUIT
+ WOMEN’S BATHROOM SIGN + RORSCHACH INK BLOT<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Hillary Clinton<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>MOUNTIE
+ BALD EAGLE + LIGHTNING BOLT + OPENING SKY<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Ted Cruz<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TROPICAL
ISLAND + BABY DOLPHIN + RUNNING MAN + EXIT SIGN<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Marco Rubio<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HAMBURGER
+ MOUNTIE + ZUCCHINI+ HAND + PEACH + PANTSUIT <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Chris Christie and Ted Cruz
vowing to spank Hillary Clinton<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">7. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>JUSTICE SCALES + DRONE+ BIBLE + PANTSUIT
+ JAILHOUSE <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Ted Cruz talking points <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">8.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>BOXING GLOVES + HEARTS + WHITE WOMAN
FACE + <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>BROWN MAN FACE <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>+ EARS <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Hillary Clinton talking
points<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>DOLLAR
SIGN + PIG SNOUT + BANK + FLAMES + FLYING PUPPY DOG<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Bernie Sanders’ platform<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>SEE
NO EVIL MONKEY + SALUTING WHITE HAND + WALL + TICKING TIME BOMB<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Trump rally<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">11. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>MAN + WOMAN + BABY + BIBLE + FOOT + U.S. CONSTITUTION<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Evangelicals for Cruz<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">12. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HAMBURGER + HAIRPIECE + HAND + PEACH <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Trump spanking former candidate Chris Christie <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11pt;">13. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11pt;">BEARDED WHITE MAN FACE + ZUCCHINI + PS4 +
SNOWBOARD</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Bernie Bro<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">14. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>BIRD + FOX + TOILET + MOUTH + ZUCCHINI
+FLAMENCO DANCER<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Donald Trump tweet calling Megyn
Kelly a bimbo<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">15. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>WOMEN’S BATHROOM SIGN + BUTCHER KNIFE +
ZUCCHINI + FLAMENCO DANCER + FOOT +
STEAMING SHIT PILE <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Gloria Steinem dissing female
Sanders supporters <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">16. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>WHITE FACE + PRIUS + STARBUCKS CUP + DUFFLE
BAG + UP <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ARROW<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Left wing threats to move to
Canada <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">17. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>MAD RED FACE + ZUCCHINI + NUMBER 538 + CLOTHES
HANGER + BACK <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ALLEY <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Two good reasons the Bros
need to get over themselves<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">18. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ELEPHANT + FOX + DEVIL HORNS + ORANGE BABY FACE<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Trump as demonic offspring
of GOP and FOX News <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">19. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>OLD CAR + FAT BLUNT <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>+ FLYING PUPPY DOG<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Millennials driving to
Burning Man and/or Sanders rally<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">20.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ELEPHANT + PARTY HAT + SCISSORS + BOOKS + SCHOOLTEACHER
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: GOP education budget <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">21.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HAIRPIECE
+ KITCHEN + SOMBRERO + SPITTING MOUTH + BOWL OF FOOD<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Latino line cook at Trump
fundraiser<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">22.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>BROWN MAN FACE + CRESCENT MOON + TAXI <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>+ SALUTING WHITE HAND<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Muslim cab driver driving past a Trump supporter<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">23. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ZUCCHINI + RORSCHACH INK BLOT + FLYING PUPPY
DOG<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:
Sanders supporters who’d totally vote for Elizabeth Warren <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">24. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>DARK GLASSES + BASEBALL BAT + BABY
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Vast right wing conspiracy,
retweeted by Bros <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;">25. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>EARTH + FLAMES + ZUCCHINI + POLAR BEAR +
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Climate change <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-22128107813264897402016-02-10T08:36:00.003-08:002016-02-10T08:36:55.264-08:00HONK FOR A PARKING REVOLUTION!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZuTuGAPJeaxUdTxzUki7c3syC_uvgFVp1r6OGEd5F5HlFaClIv-sENtLMNirF-WNxwEE8UR6S5X2dmG7wVksTFZiGju1T0slzWFtnLpxddKVmkYOtU0nO3zmb4J7_80EiWQt99hWY8Yo/s1600/family+friendly.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZuTuGAPJeaxUdTxzUki7c3syC_uvgFVp1r6OGEd5F5HlFaClIv-sENtLMNirF-WNxwEE8UR6S5X2dmG7wVksTFZiGju1T0slzWFtnLpxddKVmkYOtU0nO3zmb4J7_80EiWQt99hWY8Yo/s400/family+friendly.png" width="266" /></a></div>
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My husband got mad at me recently because I drove his car to
the grocery store and when I came out again, it wouldn’t start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I'm a rabid feminist about
everything except garbage and cars, I called him to deal with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He called Triple A, and he waited with the car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I</span>t wasn’t like he blamed me for his car
trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> That would be patriarchal. And it was a freezing cold day. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was just angry because I had parked his
dead-ass battery in the HYBRID CARS ONLY spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Needless to say, he doesn’t drive a hybrid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Nor do I.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes, I do it all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I behave this way
for 3 reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One, I like to rankle the
left-wing hippies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that it succeeds just makes me more committed to my cause. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Almost every time I do it, an
angry customer with a hemp infinity scarf walks by and loudly remarks to her
patchouli-scented partner, “That’s not a hybrid car!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The only problem is, the hippies aren’t the only ones
who get rankled by it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One time, a very
patient father had to redirect his young son, who may have been autistic because he was quite rankled by the categorical violation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He stood there for several minutes, telling
his dad (over and over) how it was a busy holiday weekend, and that may have
been the only free spot. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which was 100%
true. But it was
embarrassing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt really bad. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t park there again for like, two
months. Until the next really busy day when the only open spot was the HYBRID CARS ONLY one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The 2nd reason is that parking category is stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody needs me to provide a sustainability
chart on relative carbon footprints.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
have an internet for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But I will</span> say, I drive an average of 2 miles a day in my gasoline-guzzling SUV. Now throw
in a customer questionnaire about how often I fly on airplanes – almost never, by the
way, because I’m a chicken shit – and I guarantee my carbon footprint kicks
those hybrid drivers’ carbon footprints’ asses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Also, e</span>veryone knows that driving a used/recycled
car with good emissions is better for the environment that buying a brand new fucking
Prius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That battery has a large carbon
footprint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put on your infinity scarf and walk to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whole Foods</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The 3<sup>rd</sup> reason I sometimes park there is that
those parking signs are not laws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
are <i>suggestions </i>-- and thank you to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whole
Foods</i> for the great advice – but I don’t feel compelled to take them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would never in a million years park in a
disabled spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are legal parking
spots for people whom the state has recognized as a special category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do people abuse them and leave their
disabled tags on their cars even when their carpel tunnel is healed, or their actually disabled spouse is home watching <i>The Voice</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course they
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone is born with the God given potential
to be a self-serving hypocrite. Even Bernie Sanders. I’m looking at
you, millennials.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I digress. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best argument in support of this reasoning is that the
suggested special parking spot varies so dramatically from store to store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Every store has their own special definition of who deserves a special spot these days. </span>I had to laugh the other day, when pulling
into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Home Depot</i> to buy a washing
machine, at their reserved spots for military veterans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Veterans?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not even disabled veterans?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> What about veterans who kick their dogs? I'm grateful for our veterans. I donate money to them on a regular basis. But c'mon: That's a h</span>elpful suggestion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you get groceries at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Copps</i>,
on the other hand, you get a special spot for being pregnant and/or having
small children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Are those people equally burdened too? </span>What if your toddler
is an early walker?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> How about cat ladies who don't have human children? </span>What if you’re
only 2 months pregnant and never have morning sickness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a heavy drinker and hung over like, every
third day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guarantee I have more
trouble getting across that parking lot than a pregnant woman who isn’t even
drinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Helpful suggestion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then there’s Metcalfe’s, with their 80 special spots for the
elderly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Listen, elderly: I know you are more rickety
and tired than me, and have to deal with an increasing number of health problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You're a lot like veterans in the sense that I don't actually park in your spots, except maybe like one time. M</span>y parents are older now, and I had to take
down their Christmas tree and drag it to the curb this year by myself, because
they were both dealing with muscular issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On
the other hand, when they are feeling fine, they have no problem walking half a mile in cold weather to
basketball games, and 3 miles down the beach in the Cayman Islands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother-in-law just turned 80 and won an
award for swimming 500 miles at her gym last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are 365 days in the year, bitches. Even when it’s not
leap year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do the math.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suggestion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel the same way about 15 minute parking spots, by the
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I supposed to know how long
it will take to pick up my Japanese takeout?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if the sushi chef is backed up, and then I run into a neighbor who
wants to tell me about her new hot tub?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Also, why do some stores give you 10 minutes instead of 15?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are Supercuts customers faster than Aveda spa
customers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK, maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes, I like to imagine the special signs that other stores in town
might have, if this special privilege space trend becomes a thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like this:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bookstore:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reserved
for People Who Read Lots of Self-Help Books<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pool:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reserved for
Triathletes with OCD and Ladies Who Take Water Aerobics<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hardware Store: Reserved for People Trying to Paint Their Kids' Bedrooms<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Schools: Reserved for Parent Volunteers, But Only If They
Work in the Lunchroom, Which Smells Bad<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Local Pub: Reserved for Women Forced to Accompany their Boyfriends
to Watch Football<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Readers, the hybrid spot is fake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm not a law breaker. That kind of space is</span> a helpful suggestion much like the
one given to me by my mom, when I was younger and single: Join a church group
to meet a husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t take that
suggestion either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow, things
worked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So until the revolution
comes -- and the only special fake parking spots are reserved for apparatchiks of Chairman Sanders – I’ll probably keep doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for
my husband’s sake, only when driving my own car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-29203447094007167672016-01-27T07:50:00.001-08:002016-01-27T07:50:16.560-08:00It's Time to Tell Trump to Go Fuck Himself<div class="MsoNormal">
Donald Trump is skipping the GOP debate because he is strong
and tough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s so disgusted with Fox
News and the bleeding Megyn Kelly that he will hold a competing event to raise
money for wounded warriors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
because tough guys like Donald Trump take care of warriors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tough guys like Trump also have names for the
female professionals who moderate debates and ask him direct questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He won’t attend the debate because Megyn
Kelly is, in Trump’s own words a “bimbo.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HA!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HA! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHAT A COMEBACK! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Calling Megyn Kelly a bimbo -- which is someone who only
cares about her appearance and has no intelligence – TOTALLY makes it seem like
she doesn’t host a news program or make money as a working
professional or have children or advanced degrees or anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the best slur for women because it’s
like, no matter what you achieve, a tough guy
can reduce all of your accomplishments to your (probably dirty) vagina. And
this is super effective in Megyn Kelly’s case because she’s pretty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, she spells her first name with a Y.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bimbo time!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like all the strong and tough dudes who support him, Donald
Trump knows a lot about vaginas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
knows, for example, that vaginas are lame and weak. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knows from personal experience that the vagina
is the opposite of a penis. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are
being a mean bully, people call you a “dick.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like if you insult people, or
call them derogatory names, or imply they are bad because you are angry at them
for putting you on the spot for using sexist language, even though you are
running for president of the entire country -- more than half of which are
women who actually take their vaginas to a gynecologist – then you’re being a dick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this scenario, for example, Donald Trump is a dick.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are being weak and afraid, on the other hand, people call
you a “pussy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like if you get so angry when some obvious bimbo puts you on the spot on national television for something you actually did, but
don’t think someone should ask you about because they should let you win, that you refuse to play by the rules
and take your toys and leave – which you say you’re doing from a position of
strength but everyone knows that’s not actually how the world or even the
playground works<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– then you’re a
pussy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pussies refuse to stand up with everyone else and take fair questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pussies run away, just like
actual vaginas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this scenario, for
example, Donald Trump is a pussy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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All of which makes me wonder: If Donald Trump is a dick and
a pussy, isn't it really about time for the rest of America – including legitimate
news outlets and television networks and all other politicians – to tell him to go fuck himself? He can do it. Yes he can.<o:p></o:p></div>
Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-90600324362037061612015-12-01T10:15:00.001-08:002015-12-02T07:40:06.767-08:00Things I've Recently Thought During Therapy, Massage, Sex, and/or Holiday Baking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11.0pt;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This might be more relaxing if you weren’t
constantly checking the timer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">2.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Turn over... again?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">3. Sorry but that is WAY too much to process this early in the morning.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">4.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Elbow deep in grease. </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Have to go to the bathroom.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Perfect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">5.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> I might do the </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">couples thing, but no way I’m doing a group.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">6.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">And sometimes I like doing it alone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">7.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Because a) I already put on makeup and b) m</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">y face gets puffy when I’m face down
for too long.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">8.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Already f</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">inished? Awesome, now I can go watch TV.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">9.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Yesterday I made</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> tiny
gingerbread versions of everyone in my family then systematically snapped off all their
limbs. (Wait, did</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;"> I just say </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">that out loud?)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">10.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 15px;">Keep kneading until soft and smooth? Ugh. So tired.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">11.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Some parts are meant to be left unknown. Know what I'm saying?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">12.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> No </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">I don’t want to have my cake and eat
it too. </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> What I really</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> want is to frost my cake
with buttercream, decorate it, and watch other people get fat.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">13.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> I'm ready to </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">kick it up a notch. But not more than twice a </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">week. And</span></span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;"> never with a c</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">hocolate rimming kit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">14.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Is it just me or is it cold in here?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p>1</o:p></span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">5.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Because w</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">henever I smell cloves, I have a terrible flashback
to the time I had morning sickness and puked a cup of chai tea into a sink full of </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">dirty dishes. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">16.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Dude, no. Too soon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">17.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Keep poking at that same trigger point, and it’s
going to turn into a trigger warning.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">18.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Still not finished?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">19.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">Maybe I do have an intimacy problem. </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 15px;">But no man should feel that comfortable in bare feet and an apron.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">20.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Would it bother you if</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;"> I took a quick nap </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 15px;">and let you do your thing?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">21.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> No offense but i</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">f I wanted to listen to someone else talk
right now, I’d turn on public radio.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">22.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Every year I tell myself I’m done
with this cookie cutter bullshit.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">But here
I am again.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Sprawled out over this old
farm table.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Going through the motions.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">23.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">I’m not sure why I’m crying.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">Lavender allergy?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">24.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">I wouldn’t even have to do this right now if
my damn relatives would just stay at a hotel!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">25.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">This reminds me of the time my cheese soufflé collapsed. </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> So disappointing</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">. So hard to recover.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">26.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">This reminds me of the time I tried
to peel a lemon with a paring knife.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> So p</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">ainful. So pointless.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">27.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;"> One of these </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">days</span></span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">, I hope to get</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> some better tools. Until then, more alcohol.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">28.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;">Why do I </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">always</span></span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: small;"> end up with the bitter ones?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">29.</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">It’s like I woke up one day and the entire
world was obsessed with spicy candied nuts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;">30.
</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 11pt;"> Who</span><span style="font-family: "avenir medium"; font-size: 15px;">ops. Drool. </span></div>
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<br />Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-65756763145113459932015-03-04T16:28:00.004-08:002015-03-04T16:44:24.024-08:00The Hazards of Suburbia<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcmYBSIcVV2rO1JcIHjtyUURHw_kV0XySKWPBndemg5f97aWGv8-NoPutKz7jhFs-TEtdcOs-wUHZc4MTAvuzBscJf4i4oMe1ZA3BcLY-2RvfGYPJ5fshYOwTMv07xbTEw1nN9NiQck4s/s1600/IMG_9903.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcmYBSIcVV2rO1JcIHjtyUURHw_kV0XySKWPBndemg5f97aWGv8-NoPutKz7jhFs-TEtdcOs-wUHZc4MTAvuzBscJf4i4oMe1ZA3BcLY-2RvfGYPJ5fshYOwTMv07xbTEw1nN9NiQck4s/s1600/IMG_9903.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Every
once in a while, an old friend in New York asks me about how we’re adjusting to
our new life in the suburbs. Just kidding. They almost never ask me
anything. Frankly, I’m not sure some of our old friends even know
where we live. Maybe they think we just moved way downtown, and enrolled
our kids in a magnet school. And that’s too far to visit, because it means changing
trains.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">When New
Yorkers do visit, they frequently marvel (aloud) at the discrepancy between our
old and new lifestyles. Last summer, we brought a visiting New
Yorker to our neighborhood swim meet. For a period of about 30 minutes –
after which he abandoned his feigned interest in the entire endeavor of sport,
and strolled off to get a cappuccino – he mostly sat in a folding chair next to
our mini-tent and read the <i>Wall Street Journal</i>. Later, he remarked
how amazing it was that all of these parents devoted every Saturday morning to
watching their children
do nothing but swim. What he really wondered, I
think, was why we didn’t all just delegate this onerous business to our
nannies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I get his
point, though. Life is slower here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One thing I really miss about living in a city is the amusing drama of
daily life. New Yorkers don’t necessarily have more aberrant lifestyles
than the rest of humanity, but their interesting eccentricities are more
vividly on display. When you live upstairs from a guy who sleeps in a
coffin, for example, every elevator ride is an opportunity for wild (and
nervous) speculation. Given how many drag queen shows I attended in the
meatpacking district, it’s possible that I have an unusually high appetite
and/or tolerance for drama, even by urban standards. But if there’s one thing
I’ve learned in the last few years, it’s that suburban life is a lot more
entertaining if you chase the drama down the street yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I was
thinking about this yesterday, after I chased our postal carrier down the
street. A few minutes before, I’d spoken to a guy named Josh over
the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He worked at the post office,
and sounded exactly like John Corbett. He was very affable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Hey
there,” I said, trying to sound like I was just calling to help out.
“What should we do with this card we got in our mailbox?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It says HAZARD WARNING CARD."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">When I
said the words, HAZARD WARNING CARD, I couldn’t help speaking just a little bit
louder, like I was pronouncing the capital letters. Since getting this
card, Mike and I had pretty much been walking around the house, yelling out
words from the card at random intervals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were terribly amused at the contrast between the urgency of the word
HAZARD, and the non-urgent nature of the words NEW and RAKE. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We knew so little then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now, I was determined to learn more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Josh: “So
you got one in <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">your<i> </i></span>mailbox
then?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I don’t
know about all of the Midwest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But people
in Wisconsin put the word <i>then</i> at the end of sentences sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They either do this because it’s a culturally
ingrained verbal tick, or because they are accustomed to conversing with
Lutherans, who may need extra narrative encouragement to continue talking,
rather than to leave and go ice fishing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I took his encouragement and confirmed his assumption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Josh told me to put it back in the mailbox.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would call our carrier, and let him know
to pick it up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I sensed
that Josh needed to get back to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I also felt that my extreme postal helpfulness now gave me license
to trap him on the phone. So I followed up with a probing question. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Josh,” I
said, meeting his affability and raising him. “Exactly what is so hazardous
about a rake?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Maybe
Mike and I are naïve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, we
assume we don’t know ordinary suburban things because we spent the first chunk
of our adult lives in urban apartments, where building staff did most of the
grunt work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we could not figure out why the postal
service would have generated a HAZARD WARNING CARD for a rake. Was it a terribly
dangerous rake? Was it endangering the lives of not just postal
employees, but everyone in the neighborhood? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Josh laughed, like he was telling someone from
California about winter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“No, it<i>
</i>doesn’t mean like, <i>a rake</i>. It’s the slang we use at the post
office, for the former tenant or resident of a building, so the new person
doesn’t end up with the old person's junk mail.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">At this
point, I figured it was over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, I
had tried my best to make this dramatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a weird postal card in my
possession. I had talked to Josh, who basically could've starred in <i>Northern
Exposure</i>. I had learned some cool postal service slang that made no
sense whatsoever. But all I really had was my civic duty and the memory
of some hilarious capital letters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hung up the phone, and got ready to walk over to the elementary school for my
weekly volunteer shift. Another humdrum day in suburbia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">But when
I got to the end of my driveway, I noticed that the mail truck had just passed.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Oh
Shit!” I yelled, sprinting up the block with my book and my coffee in one hand,
and the HAZARD WARNING CARD in the other. I waved it furiously in the
air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This maneuver probably seemed
rather peculiar to the tree-trimming guys, who were standing around like
roosters in the middle of the street, clucking at the icy rain. But I was
determined to make this card count. The driver opened the door, and
smiled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Uh, oh!” he said cheerfully.
“Whaddya got there?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Josh
obviously hadn’t gotten around to calling him yet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I told him about our earlier conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went on to explain that while he’d been
working for the postal service for 36 years -- and got all the address changes
pretty much memorized right away -- the part-timers needed these cards so they
would know where to put old junk mail. When I asked him for another
example, he pulled out another HAZARD WARNING CARD to illustrate the point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I guess a
lot of people might have left it there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hand over the card, and walk away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As a seasoned conversational digger, however, I long ago figured out
that people are more likely to share things when you prompt them with
suggestive emotional words. This is especially true in Wisconsin,
where almost every nugget of personal information -- past a casual greeting or
polite introduction -- is pretty much considered TMI.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sharpened my verbal knife. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“So tell
me,” I said. "Why does the postal service use a card with the word HAZARD
written on it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moving is more like an
EVENT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doesn’t the word HAZARD just make
it sound SCARY?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Well,”
he said, “It’s funny you mention that.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Game on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I can’t
pretend to remember everything the mail carrier told me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not in enough detail to recreate a
faux-accurate conversation, anyway. But what he told me was the suburban
drama equivalent of pay dirt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> In my world, anyway.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Very
recently, it seems, the post office decided to change the HAZARD WARNING CARD
to… wait for it… WARNING CARD. Why the big change, after
decades of HAZARD WARNING CARD? Because even though these cards are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">supposed</i> to stay in the vehicles, they often
end up in mailboxes <i>just like mine</i>. Which would be
fine, if the mailboxes were actually
just like mine, and the recipients were just formerly urban drama queens who
periodically called Josh to amuse themselves with the challenge of getting
random information from a total stranger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">As it
turns out, however, some mailbox owners aren’t so much <i>amused</i> at these
cards, as they are <i>frightened</i> by them. So frightened that when
they go out to get the mail, and see a card with the word HAZARD on it, they assume that someone (ISIS maybe? A revengeful enemy? A more local
terror cell?) has targeted her with a bomb, or a mailing envelope full of
anthrax. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">So they
<i>call the police</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whereupon the police jump in their SUV's and convoy over to the post office, demanding an explanation for the HAZARD WARNING
CARD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which makes total sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because wouldn’t the post office – rather
than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">keeping</i> the anthrax on site and reporting
it, maybe to federal authorities – just go ahead and deliver it to the postal
victim, accompanied by a helpful card that indicated she was possibly about to
be poisoned or exploded?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">Just letting
you know, Mrs. Peterson. There might be some poison in this letter.
All in a day’s work. Carry on. Signed, HAZARD WARNING CARD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt;">I would
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</span>Believe me, I take it very seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But this wasn’t about a real threat of terrorism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was about a bad, pre-9/11 postal card –
that probably <i>does </i>need to be changed -- and someone for whom suburbia probably
already has enough drama. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s probably good she lives here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Me, I'll probably keep chasing it down the street.</span></span><br />
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<br />Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-24650067686449754932015-02-18T09:03:00.003-08:002015-02-18T09:09:52.536-08:00Paul Revere's Time Capsule Totally Sucked<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .2in; margin-right: .2in; margin-top: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .2in; margin-right: .2in; margin-top: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Officials opened a time capsule in
Boston Tuesday, more than 200 years after Paul Revere, Samuel Adams and William
Scollay buried it there…. It took more than four hours for officials to loosen
the screws on top of a time capsule they were set to open on Tuesday
night, said Pam Hatchfield, the museum’s head of objects conservation.
Hatchfield said the tools she was using to remove objects from the time capsule
included a porcupine quill, a bamboo tool and her grandfather’s dental tool.
Officials removed newspapers, a Massachusetts state seal and at least 24 coins
from the time capsule, including half-cent, one-cent, half-dime, 10-cent and
25-cent coins….One question still remains…. Will officials put anything new in
the time capsule before they put it back?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">Dear Readers: </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I realize that I’m not one of the officials
nominated for the 2215 Time Capsule team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that
hasn’t stopped me from coming up with my own answer to the <i>ONE
REMAINING QUESTION</i>. Because I think I speak for all Americans when I say that this is big shit. We can't wait for Massachusetts to get organized. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The fact is, the Founding Fathers left several important legacies, even <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">before </b>they left the time
capsule, and they did so without a standing
army, or a national government, or even a single modern dental tool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
example:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">-- They threw off the imperial
yoke and helped to reimagine the meaning of freedom for the entire nation of
white men, and (work in progress) other people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">-- With visionary precision and
clarity, they created a legal framework for democracy which has kept our
republic working smoothly for 200 years, except in the case of about ten key
amendments. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">-- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">n<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">obody </span></i>gave more<i> </i>to
the Revolution than the time capsule guys --Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and William Scollay (whoever
that is) -- except for George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, James
Madison, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and John Adams. </span><br />
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Given these important legacies, I'm still a little surprised that unlike LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL (work in progress), this time capsule totally sucks. </span><br />
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Look. I’m the last person who wants to
call out these Founding Fathers on their crappy capsule. If it were up to
me, my kids would still observe President’s Day at school. But -- 24
coins, a state seal, newspapers, and a pine tree shilling?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WTF, Paul Revere? Did you throw out
all the good<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"> shit with the tea</span>?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">No, big job, I get
it. Enclosing something really unique would’ve required a huge feat
of imagination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Way bigger than the
Founding Fathers of the world’s most famous democracy had at their disposal.
Also, you grew up in colonial America, where people were hung by their
fingernails, burned as witches, and enslaved as human chattel. Nothing
interesting to comment on there. I’d have gone with the coins,
too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Perhaps I’m in no position to
comment on this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Although </span>I have a PhD in 19<sup>th</sup>
century American history, nobody ever
asked <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">ME</span> to lead a
country. But in fairness, nobody asked Paul Revere either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He's just the guy who made those
controversial copper plate engravings of the Boston Massacre. A lot of
those events didn’t even happen, and he knew it, and he hammered them out
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s the hot piece on the Samuel Adams beer
bottle, his naked chest busting through his buttoned down shirtsleeves. He’s
the guy who, when he wasn’t shouting at Middlesex county from atop a
borrowed horse, sired <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">sixteen</span></i><b> </b>children with
two different wives, and a single bayonet. Should we really be
surprised that Paul Revere didn't put together a better time capsule? </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 15px;">Should we really be surprised that after waiting more than 200 years, and then standing by for four hours while the librarian pried open the top with her grandpa’s gingivitis trimmer, we got coins?</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 15px;"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 15px;">Not to be harsh, Paul, but maybe this is why you’re on a beer bottle, and not currency. Nothing ignorant I say could</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"> possibly </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">make this situation worse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Being a modern American, admittedly, I was hoping for more smut and sensation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I mean, c'mon. </span>Tell us that Brutus, rather than being an
anti-Federalist pseudonym, was James Madison’s cross-dressing alter ego.
Send us a dried-out blunt from Thomas Jefferson’s library, used for “strictly
medical purposes.” Dash off a mysteriously-coded note on a scrap of
parchment, revealing trashy celebrity scandal at the Continental
Congress: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">OH at signing of the USDOI. TJ told JH he has a fab signature, then
BF called them “gay.” What did he mean?!? CC is no friendapalooza. More
deets later. BFN.</span> </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Upon further reflection, though, I decided that this time capsule actually taught us the perfect historic
lesson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exactly the lesson that the
Founding Fathers probably wanted us all to learn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With characteristic foresight, they set the
time capsule bar SO LOW, that we are now under NO pressure whatsoever to make
the 2215 Time Capsule good. Like, AT ALL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">True to their overall legacy, they
showed us that truly great men can totally fuck shit up for a lot of other
people.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">And continue disappointing them -- over and over again -- well into the future. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">Personally, although nobody asked me, I think we need to honor that example.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"> (</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">We basically have
to, anyway, because the only thing dumber than refilling a time capsule with
lame shit and burying it is </span><i style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">not</i><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"> refilling it, and putting it
back empty. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">Who even came up with that question?) So I hope the officials on the 2215 Time Capsule team will take heed and NOT fill it with relics or mementos related to: </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;">climate change, Nigerian
schoolgirls, political cartoons, grand juries, missing airplanes, apocalyptic
terrorists, the fate or modern universities, or the ongoing constitutional battle over same sex marriage.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">All coins welcome.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">Sincerely,</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">Erin</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-20669065109341299982015-02-02T11:47:00.003-08:002015-02-02T11:53:54.357-08:00The Wisconsin Dells is the Zombie Apocalypse of Vacation Destinations<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEOTrjhT8Us08KiKwGhE3XnRBxHCY9wlV5HlDDZsjq5WUItybO8FTJ6ZmAIXQx0I1nwWLw0bINLEk0Le-zKkxUGeBXXdajONII3WvF03LUH9ruzu99-Wr-JoGtI9e3ey1ymr_DTnD6gxQ/s1600/Zombie-Apocalypse1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEOTrjhT8Us08KiKwGhE3XnRBxHCY9wlV5HlDDZsjq5WUItybO8FTJ6ZmAIXQx0I1nwWLw0bINLEk0Le-zKkxUGeBXXdajONII3WvF03LUH9ruzu99-Wr-JoGtI9e3ey1ymr_DTnD6gxQ/s1600/Zombie-Apocalypse1.jpg" height="276" width="400" /></a></div>
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I have never <i>personally</i> lived through a zombie apocalypse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t say with absolute certainty how the
zombie attack will unfold, or who they will target first. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my own picks for favorites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But scientifically speaking, I’m pretty sure that one of the first
places will be the Wisconsin Dells. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I know. That sounds harsh.
The kiddies love the
water parks. It’s perfect for birthdays,
gymnastic team retreats, and couples who want their kids entertained while they
drink 80 ounce margaritas made of rail tequila and corn syrup. The Dells has everything! Long hallways. Wild
unsupervised running. Tats on tats. Air hockey.
No pants. If only there was a
hotel with hair weaves and a live baby tiger, it would be perfect!</div>
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But the facts are unavoidable. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">zombie apocalexperts,</i> human civilization will eventually be destabilized
by its basest elements, and taken over by the undead. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The VERY first to go will probably be lazy
professors, and then people who drink broth for every meal, because "the cavemen did."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually, the zombies will also
take more important people, like trust funders, people with lip implants,
and anyone who paid to see Katy Perry film that live halftime episode of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yo Gabba Gabba</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That super bowl show reminded me of the
Dells. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wild running. Concussions. Tats on tats. Big sharks.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No pants.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nobody will be spared in the zombie apocalypse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except Giselle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s the goodwill ambassador to the UN
Environmental Program.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> With that kind of indispensable job, she </span>and her little <u>Bundchens</u> will probably be given a private, zombie-free island, where she will
grow vegan chia seeds, and Tom will blast coconuts at any zombie who tries to swim in and eat her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other than Giselle, though, the only ones left to resurrect humanity will be people with guns, paranoid
traits, and weird loner personalities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, basically, humanity will be saved by Alaska.
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But I’m getting ahead of myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because my point is that shortly after the zombies get the professors
and the broth drinkers, they will take the Dells. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I know this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Well. </span>Just think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes perfect sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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First of all, if zombies know what’s good for them -- and I
think they do -- they will attack highly populated areas first. To get early
recruits. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any single waterpark in the
Dells, in the off season, probably holds 10 thousand people, not counting the people snuck in to save money. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know you’re jam packed into a building
when you leave your hotel room at 9 o’clock in the morning and find a stream of
humans in the hallway so long, vast, and already smelly, that you are almost impelled to call the International Committee of the Red Cross. Wailing children in swim
diapers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shoeless masses, eating Pringles while they walk, for breakfast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The scene is like a war zone, where the refugees have nobody to blame but themselves.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Once inside the waterpark compound, the zombies could easily
mount a sneak attack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, they
could easily mount any kind of attack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Between
the air guns, the rushing water, the industrial fans, and all the inappropriately-loud people
screaming over all of these noises, you can’t hear a fucking thing in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After about 2 hours in the waterpark, our voices were hoarse
from yelling short, pointless conversational phrases at each other’s faces. I’d say to my sister: “I’M GOING TO THE
BATHROOM!” Then she’d say, “WHAT?!” Then I’d say, “YOU TAKE THE KIDS DOWN THE
SLIDE AGAIN!” Then she’d say, “WHAT?!!” Although we cherished this time together and will never forget it, we usually just yelled until one of us gave up, and
sought out the rest of humanity in the hot tub. Or maybe it was a large outdoor toilet. I guess we’ll never know. </div>
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The most compelling advantage for the zombies, though, is that once
they start chasing people, the place will descend into complete chaos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because other than the lifeguards, who
were hired to save people from water and not zombies, nobody who works at the Dells will tell you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i> you need to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s almost like they don’t care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which -- and I hate to say “I told you so” -- is exactly the kind of uncooperative attitude that will cause the zombie apocalypse in the first place. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Before driving down, my sister called the condo, to ask what kind of coffee machines were in the hotel rooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wanted to bring coffee, so we didn’t have
to drink the bagged kind that tastes like dirty window washer fluid from a gas
station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They couldn’t tell her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She brought fancy Sumatra coffee anyway,
which we attempted to place inside the bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Survivalist fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mike got us
Starbucks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But the coffee was just the beginning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I checked in, I asked the woman handing
me a ream of maps and coupons if the condos had knives, so we could slice my
daughter’s birthday cake. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I couldn’t
tell you that,” she said. When she handed me the key card, she pointed out that we would need them to to turn on the lights <i>and heat</i>.
“But isn’t the heat already on?” I asked. “It’s 18 degrees outside.” To which she replied: “I couldn’t tell you
that either.” Can you imagine how helpful this woman would be in a zombie emergency?</div>
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Ultimately, the zombies <i>will </i>have the upper hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because if they haven’t rounded you up by then, you will voluntarily surrender to them at the end of the
day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After several water slides, a go-cart
ride, a game of laser tag, a few rounds of lazer maze, and a husband-wife skee
ball match, we sat down with the kids to have a late afternoon snack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During that 45 minute rest period, my
daughter asked me 8 times if we could do the ropes course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since it was her birthday party, and I was tired of saying no, I said yes. We fit the
ropes course in before going out to dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But we were so exhausted after that, we didn’t even want to go out to
dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> W</span>e just slogged back to the room – us, and five thousand of our best friends -- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to order pizza.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> My sister was sick with a cold, and felt faint. Or so she said. </span>For all I knew, she was a zombie. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not a zombie apocalypse expert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But these are
the facts. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My advice to anyone thinking about a weekend in the
Dells?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go there! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have fun! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids will love it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rooms are pre-heated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even in the winter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister says the coffee filter size is
probably 2 or 4 (basket style, not cone).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could tell by just looking at
it with minimal time and effort. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, there are plenty of sharp
knives there for cutting birthday cake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The
only down side to that whole scenario is that when you go there, you might be
turned into a zombie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So hopefully, you’ll
pick the right weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-25958227774056555352015-01-09T12:39:00.002-08:002015-01-09T13:12:22.383-08:00If You Found Paternity Leave Boring, Do Us All a Favor and Don't Write About It!<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivDrCLCjZqKpYWGOdA0xQ1SIbD1Q8YGqwS577TTZjGICFXkHvQxo3ORxBP9Y1c-UkV8zQarmkRR2jJ0DszofsMahgN7S1zbXKgyhHn83yyb8PbfBbQgeOSHQS2m4r3mo75cSX39uT8Fm4/s1600/bad-father.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivDrCLCjZqKpYWGOdA0xQ1SIbD1Q8YGqwS577TTZjGICFXkHvQxo3ORxBP9Y1c-UkV8zQarmkRR2jJ0DszofsMahgN7S1zbXKgyhHn83yyb8PbfBbQgeOSHQS2m4r3mo75cSX39uT8Fm4/s1600/bad-father.jpg" height="264" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I
don’t really like writing about motherhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
been a soul-nourishing and (I think) mostly successful role in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After more than ten years, I’ve gained
insightful perspectives on raising children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I also follow social policy debates concerning the intersection of
feminism, family life, motherhood, and/or work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I follow them closely, and read a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have stuff to say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">The
reason I don’t like writing about motherhood is precisely that it’s deeply
important to so many people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a wide
variety of good reasons, both personal and political, almost everyone has an
emotional stake in the topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strong and
visceral disagreements lurk at the core of many issues, and many of those
issues – like maternal instinct, nature versus nature, sexual parity – will
quite literally never be solved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
I feel like, if I have to read one more argument between a primary caregiver (i.e.
stay at home mom) and a woman who works full-time outside of the home, my head
will explode, all over my office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
that would be really bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I’m
100% sure that my husband doesn’t even know the name, let alone the phone
number, of our cleaning company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Generally
speaking, I’m not a woman who shies away from conflict, or controversy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just ask the people who hate me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve written on this blog about feminism and school
reform and therapy and sustainability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some of these posts (especially the feminism one) drew the attention of
several male internet trolls, who subsequently used my comments section to
equate feminism with a female supremacy movement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I will admit that
dumb shit like that often makes me wonder why all women don’t just abandon
conventional mixed-sex society and join a global version of the Combahee River
Collective. The best answer, I suspect, is that we’d miss gay men.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I
do like to joke about controversial issues, though, and satirize sensitive
political topics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(As – for the record,
internet trolls – I just did in the preceding paragraph. No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We aren’t all about to run away and form a
black feminist/gay male commune, or enslave you as dishwashers, or disembowel
you while you are drifting off into your manly Asperger alone-time at the
breakfast table. So, no need to leave a comment. Thanks.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">So
what is my problem, then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why don’t I
write more hilarious missives about motherhood?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The answer is that some things I read about the subject leave me feeling
so humorless and annoyed that I can’t conjure up anything funny to say, that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I </b>would actually want to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It becomes so personal for me that my heart
clenches, my brain freezes, and I get defensive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like a liberal defending teachers
unions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A conservative defending
guns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or a weird internet man reading a nothing
little post about feminism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate
feeling like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am 82% certain that
the best way to avoid any illness – from breast cancer and heart disease, to
varicose veins and goiter – is to take <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">everything</b>
with a grain of salt, and a dose of good humor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Also, I spent my twenties crying, while
getting a PhD, and I’m sorta tapped out.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Then I read <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.thebaffler.com/odds-and-ends/brats" target="_blank">this piece</a></b>, which my friend Barbara
posted on her Facebook page with the comment: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">REAL GUY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOT SATIRE.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">[Go
ahead, take a minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a short
essay, with a simpleminded point.]<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, allow
me to summarize the essay for you, in case you start reading it and it burns
your eyes: My work made me take paternity leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But moms always do more parenting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I had nothing to do, and I was bored, and I
became an alcoholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I went back to
work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Now,
I am 54% sure that the best way to counter this buffoonery is with SATIRE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But here I am, in one of those rare moments,
when I am actually so pissed off, I am going to write a serious post about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So thanks, William Giraldi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I’m going to get goiter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever that is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">There
are people who find this kind of straightforward man-talk refreshing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I get that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Essays should make you think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some fact nuggets also undergird his
argument. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men, for example, don’t have functional
milk-boobs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, it’s more dangerous to
sink into an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mansperger</i> trance when
you’re in charge of your own offspring on a street corner, because they don’t
know usually know their own address until they’re 7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And mothers may have stronger maternal
instincts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That instinct doesn’t make
caring for an infant <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">easier</b> for
them, but it may (and I said may, don’t freak out) make them just enough
attached to the infant, that they are more physically driven to keep it alive. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Well,
I didn’t find it refreshing. Or as I like a good essay to be:
enlightening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It actually wasn’t Giraldi’s insensitive and
narcissistic description of himself as being “bushwhacked by [his] surfeit of
free time” that nauseated me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
didn’t bother me, because frankly, I don’t even understand it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FREE TIME?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, there are plenty of things to do, other than strapping on
breasts, when you have a new baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FREE
TIME?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clean the dishes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go to the grocery store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make mom a sandwich.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do the laundry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do it over again because now there is more
poop on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Buy your wife a DVD of <i>Sex
in the City</i>, so she has something to watch on TV when she’s sleepy and needs
female company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jerk off once a day,
so she doesn’t have that to worry about later too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or go
out and spend three hours picking out the absolute nicest bottle of Prosecco
you can find, and enjoy it with her at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You might even get lucky if her lady bits are healed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">No,
that wasn’t even the LEAST ENLIGHTENING part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the stuff about the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">drinking</b>
that torpedoed my sense of humor, and reduced me to someone who needs to be
serious on the internet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">On
his paternity leave, Giraldi said, he was reduced to “medieval hangovers that
vanquished entire days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sleep
interrupted by migraines and dehydration that felt downright malarial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Iffy decisions involving the diaperless
infant on an antique couch.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Iffy
decisions?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interrupted sleep?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dude. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let
me tell you about feeling medieval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And listen up good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because if your wife hasn’t left you by now
and joined the Combahees, you might
still have the capacity to learn something in your wasteland of a shrunken cerebral
cortex.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">For
years now, I’ve been wanting to write about a phenomenon I call: MOMAHOLICS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a mostly non-descriptive word that I use
to describe that thing that so many new mothers do, mostly in the evenings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is, drink a little too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Almost every mother I know – and not just
white, middle-class, stay-at-home moms – will at least recognize this issue, if
not in themselves, then in a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">When
you have little kids– as soul enriching as that is -- you can feel so drained,
and so exhausted, and so deprived of personal fulfillment in so many of your
familiar and traditional ways, that you come to look forward to a drink,
hopefully at the end of the day, with a passion that you may never have
had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my head (and my experience) I
used to think about that coveted wine bottle sitting on the counter as the modern
incarnation of the “mother’s little helper.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In most ways, I thought, it’s not as secretive or dangerous as the
1950’s valium epidemic, because more women now have more opportunities to
choose a different lifestyle, outside of the home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">But
in other ways, it’s actually worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because so many women now make the choice to raise their kids all day
long -- or make the choice to try and balance their work and home lives – that they
feel it is mostly <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">their fault</b> if their
life isn’t totally balanced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking
valium because your husband came home late from work, and demanded a hot meal
seems easy to justify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That life sounds
sucky and annoying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But drinking an
entire bottle of wine by yourself every night -- because you need a release
from a choice that you’ve made, and can’t stop feeling guilty and worried about
-- is a bit more complicated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I’m
not here to call anyone an alcoholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not even myself, actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
drink a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based on my knowledge of
alcoholism, the actual disease is not just about <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">quantity</b> or doing it for the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">wrong
reasons</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even Giraldi drank entire
cases of Heineken over his “paternity leave,” and let’s start putting that in
quotation marks, but stopped again when he was back at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The real alcoholic problem comes when the
alcohol is ALL you look forward to anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids bring me down, the
liquor lifts me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That kind of thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I’ve
never felt – and I’ve never, to my knowledge, had a mom <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">or dad</b> friend who felt – like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">that.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having said that, I did develop a rather
desperate taste for my nightly glass or two (or three) of wine when my kids
were especially little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it wasn’t
until years later -- when I could direct their daily activities from a more or
less seated position -- that this sense of desperation about having <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">JUST ONE THING</b> only for myself at
night, that was not a responsibility or a chore or a weight on my shoulders, really
faded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, I do worry that some
moms --or primary caregiver dads -- may not recognize these feelings, and will
fall down a slippery slope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Did
Mr. Bored Dad’s essay bother me extra, because I’m aware of the alcoholism in
my own family line?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure it
did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I admit it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I wholeheartedly take responsibility
for any subjectivity affecting my reaction. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So subjective essay meets subjective essay
once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I couldn’t help thinking
how in this day and age, this kind of unenlightened crap doesn’t deserve to be
published.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Who does it enlighten</b>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Where is the self-awareness?</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ALL
that Giraldi’s faux-paternity-induced alcoholism exemplifies is the sexist and
self-involved nature of his own subjectivity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">YOU
DRANK TOO MUCH ON PATERNITY LEAVE BECAUSE YOU WERE BORED? ! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BORED?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did you once think about how bored your wife might have been, staying
sober, while playing Elmo songs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you
think to offer her a beer, and take the baby for a walk?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what about those days when you aren’t
just bored, but also EXHAUSTED?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Reality
Check: I once had to call my husband at work, and beg him to come home early, which
was REALLY hard if not impossible for him in that job, because I threw my back
out due to weak stomach muscles, and I was lying on the floor in utter agony,
trying unsuccessfully to comfort my infant, with nobody there to help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cooked and pureed vegetables every day, and
portioned them into ice cube containers, so my toddlers would always have
healthy food, even when I couldn’t make it to the grocery store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My older daughter had a diarrhea explosion all
over me in Central Park one day that was so severe, I had to borrow an extra
shirt of a guy in my playgroup just to get her home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">BORDEM
MADE YOU DRINK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">CRYING</b> MADE ME DRINK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Literally</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cried from exhaustion more times than I can
remember, and only the glass of wine at night, by myself in the kitchen, made
me feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those were some of the
easy days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I once had to fight off the
instinct to shake my baby, because nobody was there, and I was so tired, and I
wanted her to sleep so badly, and she wouldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">God</b> my mom intervened
with a bottle, and let me sleep one night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My husband couldn’t get up at night in my place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He
didn’t have paternity leave</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I
have still never forgiven myself for almost shaking my baby, yet this guy has
forgiven himself for drinking his paternity leave away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, I haven’t completely lost my sense of
humor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also get how having a slight
drinking problem because you are so intent on succeeding at motherhood that you
are stressed out might be a problem of privilege.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might even be a problem that feminism
helped to create.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And, t</span>here might be mothers,
single and/or economically underprivileged ones, who don’t have the "luxury" to
drink too much, without terrible consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But given the LIKELY universality of this issue, and the certain universality of how hard parenting is, my
personal reaction to someone who drinks too much because they’re <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">bored on paternity leave</b> is that you are
a one-man slap in the face to every parent, mom or dad, who struggles every day to find
fulfillment in the very difficult job of parenting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;">Maybe instead of writing a puerile essay, he should have figured out how to work harder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-90755369516190069752014-10-30T10:05:00.002-07:002015-01-27T12:50:54.404-08:00The Sour Fashioned<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><u><b>The Sour Fashioned</b></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;">2
ounces </span><span style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;">cherry brandy</span></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>1
ounce Cointreau<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>½ ounce grenadine<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>dash
orange bitters<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>2
maraschino cherries </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>splash of cherry syrup<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>1
orange slice<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>ice
and soda water to fill<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><b>(stir
vigorously)</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black";"><span style="font-size: small;">I
spent last weekend up in the Wisconsin Dells with my sister, to celebrate her 40</span><sup style="font-size: 11pt;">th</sup><span style="font-size: small;"> birthday.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;">My mom </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">came</span><span style="font-size: small;"> too.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> She and Carrie</span><span style="font-size: small;"> really wanted to hit the water parks, eat frozen pizza, and get matching multicolored hotel lobby hair weaves.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;">I insisted we stay at the spa.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">So they skipped the water slides this time.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Or did they? Maybe they both snuck off to rock the
<i>Black Anaconda</i> at Noah's Ark while I got my organic facial.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;">I guess we’ll never know.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">My
reasons for choosing the Dells weren't really about my affinity for rural
Wisconsin as a vacation destination. They were about convenience, and my general reluctance
to fly. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Oh, I've done it before. </span>Some readers of this blog may
recall that my friend Tara and I went up to the Dells for my 40<sup>th</sup>
birthday. That was like, two years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Some</span> may also recall that we had an extremely peculiar experience at a local steak house, involving an order of <i>Clams Casino</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">One of the church ladies who works at the spa
told me – as I was signing their <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pledge
of Peace and Quiet</i> – that the steak house is still in business. It has the
same general manager who refused to refund my absent clams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Avenir Black";"><span style="font-size: small;">The woman was actually </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">recommending</span><span style="font-size: small;"> the place.<i> I had the weirdest
experience of my entire life there</i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11pt;">, I said, in a barely-audible hushed whisper. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I can’t possibly go back</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black";"><span style="font-size: small;">She shrugged. So I dropped it. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">It occurred to me only then, that the spa and that
restaurant are probably operated the same owners.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">Which</span><span style="font-size: small;"> is probably why, as novices, we ended up there in the first place. </span></span><span style="font-size: small;">But I'm glad she blew it off because I really didn’t want to continue the conversation.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I tend to get worked up when I recount those events, a</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">nd </span><span style="font-size: small;">I <i>really</i> didn't want to violate the spa pledge. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Fortunately,
my sister had a plan for dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
someone who takes an annual vacation in the north woods, by choice – and is married to
a man who once injured his knee sneaking up on a trout –
she had the whole rural eating scene figured out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">She
took us to <a href="http://www.ishnala.com/" target="_blank">this place</a> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ishnala</i> – a famous old supper club on Mirror Lake. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a great place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only because it’s a unique spot, with
lots of history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only because it’s
decorated with loads of taxidermic wildlife art.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But because the only place I have ever spent
more than two hours waiting for a table in a restaurant and then left
– without dinner – because I no longer felt like eating, is New York Fucking City. So, hats off to you Ishnala.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You've still got it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Avenir Black;"><span style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Avenir Black;"><span style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh47tYoxaUKHZoPzhydd3PC5ElzLxMXaZyZ2Un_B8yJGIthdKo95SIItaY9eOABtw0Xlc80var-JWoQiAsrHp1bw73zyTpL3GO2cMixHjspt3WbLhTD6MORVvOZRWE1y4uuLg3D41e1Gk8/s1600/ishnala.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh47tYoxaUKHZoPzhydd3PC5ElzLxMXaZyZ2Un_B8yJGIthdKo95SIItaY9eOABtw0Xlc80var-JWoQiAsrHp1bw73zyTpL3GO2cMixHjspt3WbLhTD6MORVvOZRWE1y4uuLg3D41e1Gk8/s1600/ishnala.jpg" height="177" width="320" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black";"><span style="font-size: small;">We
did eat a little bit.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">After waiting
outside for an hour, we decided to have some
appetizers.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">It was extremely crowded in the bar area so when I saw three chairs open up, I darted across the room to
snag them.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I felt slightly guilty for
checking some old man into the wall on my way past.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">He almost lost his balance, ricocheting off the wall.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">But I got the damn chairs, and that's the important thing.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">And</span><span style="font-size: small;"> w</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">e got some snacks, and some beer, and a
couple of </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Old
Fashioneds</i><span style="font-size: small;">. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black";"><span style="font-size: small;">I
don’t mind an </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Old Fashioned</i><span style="font-size: small;">.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I know s</span><span style="font-size: small;">aying that
in Wisconsin is sort of like saying you don’t mind football, or you don’t mind farmers.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I would never say those things. Because I
hate football and I genuinely like most farmers. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Around here, though, the Old Fashioned is very popular</span><span style="font-size: 15px;">. M</span><span style="font-size: small;">ost
commonly, it's made with brandy (like <a href="http://www.korbel.com/age/?location=http://www.korbel.com/" target="_blank">Korbel,</a> which sells more than a quarter of its
supply to Wisconsin alone) or bourbon.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;">The most basic recipe is a mixture of the spirit, soda or soda
water, bitters, over an orange and a cherry muddled with sugar.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Mostly, I just don’t care for sweet cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all due respect to my sister and her
fellow country mice, I definitely don't prefer a drink that
contains both soda <i>and</i> white sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do
like brandy, though, and I flat-out LOVE maraschino cherries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;">So I invented my own sour version
of the traditional cocktail. It's made with a local “cherry brandy” made from Door County
sour cherries.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;">I like </span><a href="http://yaharabay.com/AboutUsPartners/OurProducts/tabid/56/Default.aspx" style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;" target="_blank">Yahara Bay Kirschwasser</a><span style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;">, which isn’t as sweet as a real brandy or cherry liqueur. In fact, it's kind of... sour. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Avenir Black'; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKd33LxK3Ty1HxBnY6_6SXEm2EL5Nal5pFTCSNIrI1_8t5fYNudGQqVARH9HDq0lHzjnc-LifJiJAGpsqlV8WAk7R3Cc1dv6LPEG6RXns-UVOUcZJ8yhzj-d5uGGIxYB26ejCB8zY2wqA/s1600/bottles+old+fash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKd33LxK3Ty1HxBnY6_6SXEm2EL5Nal5pFTCSNIrI1_8t5fYNudGQqVARH9HDq0lHzjnc-LifJiJAGpsqlV8WAk7R3Cc1dv6LPEG6RXns-UVOUcZJ8yhzj-d5uGGIxYB26ejCB8zY2wqA/s1600/bottles+old+fash.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Go local with spirits. Why not?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">My
Sour Fashioned gets enough sweetness from the maraschino cherry syrup,
grenadine, and Cointreau.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prefer sweetness like this, because it is also flavored and fermented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">And i</span>nstead of muddling the
orange and cherries with sugar, I muddle them with the syrup and bitters, then
add the alcohols and grenadine, fill with ice and soda water, and give it
all a good stir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I don’t have authentic
old fashioned glasses at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
use whiskey glasses, like these. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieiuWuv_f7odnrxwn-x2WhqU-qsaobdKmJhWhVrf7mtmkiqknCVlLfxSLUd9VuNrLt513URuBg8Vz9CMnPC8Qki_uVEfEJYbeF2_JMG-m9TpTV_9PU2s-VjwwQHTNJkQSDyfudc0dbEyI/s1600/IMG_8686.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieiuWuv_f7odnrxwn-x2WhqU-qsaobdKmJhWhVrf7mtmkiqknCVlLfxSLUd9VuNrLt513URuBg8Vz9CMnPC8Qki_uVEfEJYbeF2_JMG-m9TpTV_9PU2s-VjwwQHTNJkQSDyfudc0dbEyI/s1600/IMG_8686.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">whatever, haters.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black"; font-size: 11.0pt;">If you make it at home, let me know what you think. And happy birthday Carrie and Pete!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-3045408287421515072014-10-23T13:03:00.003-07:002014-10-23T13:11:18.028-07:0025 Things I've Been Just... Wishing For<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-VqctWeqSFWn68eR-8MzE4SBrK2IpAJdVuk3ksPycnFDIWEsiXzEJF-DFpFodRA-Amz0GDsrAy6hlcC0zm19J6acy_RcB8IgehN7c3V5TjxQjPANNICCz28JtRTyxGt9YE2o2Q3ui_M/s1600/wishes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-VqctWeqSFWn68eR-8MzE4SBrK2IpAJdVuk3ksPycnFDIWEsiXzEJF-DFpFodRA-Amz0GDsrAy6hlcC0zm19J6acy_RcB8IgehN7c3V5TjxQjPANNICCz28JtRTyxGt9YE2o2Q3ui_M/s1600/wishes.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish I woke up a little earlier with insomnia, because 3:30 am
doesn’t give me nearly enough time before the day starts to sit on a chair and
feel tired.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish my cat’s canned food smelled more like ass at
3:30 am.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish that the customer service lady at <i>Pottery Barn </i>had sounded a
little more sure of herself right before she didn’t place my order because she spelled my name CLUNB.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish Apple would roll out their iphones a little faster, so that
the new generation literally went on sale before I finished buying the already
outdated one.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish all women had to wear burkas, because that seems fair on so
many levels.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish every restaurant in New York was called <i>Hale and Hearty</i>, so
the whole city seemed old fashioned and redundant.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish dentists and surgeons were both called doctors, because that
would be totally awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For dentists.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wish my kids parroted each other's words, all day long, because
that game is never annoying to be around.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;">9.</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">
</span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;">I just wish there were more Monday night sports programs I didn’t care about, because that old school </span><i style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11pt;">Charlie’s Angels</i><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;"> episode -- where the arsonist who is blowing up warehouses by igniting a complicated chemistry formula
with a pay phone turns out to be the </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 15px;">ditzy </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;">blonde magician’s assistant -- is
time I definitely don’t want back. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish people in this town had more political
bumper stickers on their cars, because nothing seems more important than telling
the random stranger driving behind you how you are voting in the next, or last,
election. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">11. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish the leaves on all 20 of our oak trees were
numbered, so when my neighbor complains that our lawn care guys are "blowing our leaves over her fence line," we could actually count them. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">12.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish more people texted while driving,
so drunk driving seemed less idiotic.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">13.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish there were more pharmaceutical ads
for baby boomers with sexual dysfunction that featured sexy 55 year old women, so teenage boys had more reasons not to want to watch TV with
their moms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">14.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish more young songwriters would
write romantic songs about dying young, so that someday, they will all appreciate that only a young person, who hasn't actually died young, would write a romantic song about dying young.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">15.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish I had more digital photos being stored
in the fucking cloud that I’ll never look at again.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish everyone on the internet was
still using the word <i>meme</i> all the time, like they had always known what it
meant.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">17.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish scientists would stumble across a
technique or experiment that proved -- once and for all -- that sugary soda was unhealthy.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">18.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish I could read more in-depth articles
about the <i>Polyamorous love</i> movement, because it’s not enough that some old
bearded guy told me about it in person, while standing over me in a public
park.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">19.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish road construction on highways could
be done right in the middle of the day instead of at night, when nobody drives.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">20.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish someone wrote a song about
healthy body images for women, then some critics accused her of “skinny
shaming,” because that social disorder is literally almost as serious as anorexia.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">21.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish the woman who wrote that article
saying I wasn’t a feminist because I used the word slut in a humor piece, would take the phone
call from 1982, which wants its outdated women’s studies lecture back.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">22.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish more people would tell me – when
I say I’m afraid of flying – that it’s more likely I will die in a car crash,
because I’ve never heard that and also, now I’m afraid of driving too.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">23.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish my chin was pointy, so the wart growing on the end of my nose wouldn't feel like it was carrying the "mean old witch face" burden all by itself.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria;"><span style="font-size: small;">24.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I just wish that when my physician pointed at me and asked me if “I always looked like this” and then </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">offered mood medication, </span><span style="font-size: small;">she could have also pointed out
that I’ve put on weight, just to keep the bedside manner consistent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 11.0pt;">25.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish everyone would keep using the
phrase, I just wish, because it never gets old.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-88157868183689298192014-10-17T08:21:00.001-07:002014-10-17T08:48:29.736-07:00A Modest Proposal, In Celebration of Harvest Day<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Last year, I wrote
a letter to my local school board about the elimination of Halloween and
Valentine’s Day in our school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not
going to share that letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had a lot of typos, and I wrote it so quickly that I ended up sounding like a
ranting lunatic. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Sounding." Anyway, n</span>obody needs to see
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> (</span>Except, of course, the school
board.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">But no matter because, like a creepy Halloween zombie, the issue limps on! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">And s</span>o, I post this cleaned up, edited, somewhat more rant-free version
of that letter. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is an homage to the bygone days of Halloween and Valentine’s Day. And obviously also the great Irish writer, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal" target="_blank">JonathanSwift</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Next week, my children will
be having classroom parties to celebrate <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Harvest
Day</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>Hooray!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">What, you ask, is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Harvest Day</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">excellent</i> question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Harvest Day</i> is like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friendship Day</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That comes
on February 14<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Growing
up in this country, perhaps you had always understood February 14<sup>th</sup> to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Valentine’s Day</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know -- that highly commercialized <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hallmark </i>holiday that’s all about eating
sugar and chocolate?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the wintertime
version of Halloween, basically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except
instead of spooky ghosts and costumes and sugar, there are hearts and
valentines and sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">When I first learned about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friendship Day</i>, I was confused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The holiday wasn’t removed from the local calendar while I lived in
New York, was it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based on my recent
trip to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Walgreen’s</i> to buy cat litter
and glitter nail polish, I had to conclude that people still observe <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Valentine’s Day</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Even here in Middle America. </span>I saw the cards for sale. Right there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Applebee’s Gift Cards</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Well apparently, <b>people</b> do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But children <b>DON’T.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not in school, anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And definitely n</span>ot by that name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Last year, parents got a
letter explaining how </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Halloween</i><span style="font-size: small;">
was no longer allowed in school.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Because of </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">diversity</i><span style="font-size: small;">.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> Hmmm, mysterious. </span><span style="font-size: small;">On one hand, there
are a lot of international families at our school. On the other, I don't think anyone was forced to
participate.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Families opt out of activities all the time at
school, voluntarily, for </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">religious</span> or cultural reasons. <span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">One time on a field trip, I bought rock candy lollipops for the whole class.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">One kid didn’t like his, and threw it on the
ground.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Do some children feel the same way about </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Mutant Ninja</i> <i style="font-size: 11pt;">Turtle</i><span style="font-size: small;"> and </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Minecraft </i><span style="font-size: small;">costumes?</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I
guess we’ll never know. But just in case, the school cancelled the traditional costume parade, and renamed the holiday,</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Harvest Day. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Of course they did! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Harvest
Day</i> is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">totally </i>a thing. Traditionally,
of course, it was called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Samhain</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hard working Celtic pagan farm children
of this Midwestern town have long dressed up in costumes (not at school), slaughtered the livestock, lit bonfires, and invited the souls of their departed Celtic
forefathers over for brats.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Look, I realize that </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Harvest Day</i><span style="font-size: small;"> may SOUND like a
meaningless, bureaucratically-invented, empty gesture.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">But it’s obviously an </span><b style="font-size: 11pt;">important</b><span style="font-size: small;"> empty gesture. We can’t
have popular cultural traditions in the schools that may – like that crappy rock
candy, which belonged on </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">the</span><span style="font-size: small;"> ground – not appeal to every single person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I suspect the real issue is
that </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">Halloween</i><span style="font-size: small;"> is basically a <b>religious</b>
holiday. </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">That</span><span style="font-size: small;"> is because several thousand years ago, the Catholic Church appropriated some of the creepy zombie-related customs from the pagans.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">And it <b>does</b>
occur the night before </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">All Saints Day</i><span style="font-size: small;">,
which is a Catholic holy day. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Not
that anyone knows that.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> Even practicing Catholics. And ironically, i</span><span style="font-size: small;">n many towns
around this country, the Celtic pagan roots of Halloween have</span><span style="font-size: small;"> led modern
Christians to oppose it.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">On the grounds that it’s not religious at
all.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">There the Irish go again, screwing things up!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">But isn’t <i>Valentine’s Day</i> IN FACT a
Christian holiday, commemorating how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">St. Valentine</i> was beaten with clubs and buried under the cover of
darkness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can we also blame <b>this</b> on the Irish?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm not sure. </span><i>Valentine’s Day</i> isn’t a real
holy day at all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact – funny story
-- its origins were in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lupercalia</i>, a Roman
holiday in which young men would draw the names of young women in a lottery,
and then keep the women as sexual companions for <b>the year</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OMG, Romans, so inappropriate! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And also, SO WEIRD that my teachers never mentioned
the Roman roots of <i>Valentine’s Day</i> when I was a kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here we all thought
<i>Valentine’s Day</i> was about eating sweets and trading 3D <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pokemon</i> cards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The whole time, it was just a pre-Christian game
of spin the bottle. Good riddance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Perhaps the real reason for
banning these traditions, if not their religious roots, is the American Constitution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As everyone knows, we have a Bill of Rights
in this country, which guarantees the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Separation
of School and Culture</i>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sounds a
lot like the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Separation of Church and
State</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except it’s different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because only one of them is real.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Still, I think we can do more
at our school to suppress traditions that some people might not like or want to celebrate. Therefore, I have come up with a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Modest
Proposal</i>, which I hope you will all take seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the spirit of our great Constitutional
separation of school and culture, I propose that the district spearhead an
official <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>B<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">anning of</span></u></b><u> <b>All Traditional American Cultural
Practices</b></u>. These BANNED cultural practices should include but not be
limited to:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">The wearing of snowsuits; the
watching of television, videos, the internet, and computers; the eating of corn
dogs, hot dogs, popcorn, pizza, and hamburgers; the speaking of
English and Spanish; the wearing of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nike </i>brand
shoes; <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">New Balance</i> brand shoes, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Converse</i> brand shoes; the learning of
roller blading or hula hooping or pogo sticking or jump roping in gym class, especially
double dutch; field trips on orange buses to apple orchards; red dye 40
sprinkles, rice crispie bars (plain or peanut butter); Frozen princess
t-shirts, mutant Ninja turtles shirts; Feminists who keep their names, Feminists
who don’t keep their names, other Feminists; lunchroom volunteerism, playground
volunteerism, book room volunteerism, and the entire Parent Teacher
organization which, frankly (I think we can all agree) smacks of way too much
democracy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Just like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Halloween</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Valentine’s Day,</i> these traditions should be seen for what they
really are: Church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Even if they WEREN'T obviously opportunities for forced conversions, it is simply damaging to the fabric of
community when child-citizens are allowed to come together and celebrate a
popular cultural tradition in a public building. Because some families
might not be into them. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">And it's too much to ask of a child, to sit quietly, while her classmates eat blatantly
heart-shaped cookies, right in front of him. Better that everyone just throw their cookies on the ground. And then rename them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A word from the Founding Fathers, in closing: "<span style="font-size: 11pt;">When in the course of
human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the cultural
events that they have always observed, a decent respect to the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare themselves in favor of Friendship
Day, Harvest Day, and every other fake holiday that they have never heard of.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-42294338593312231112014-07-08T09:06:00.003-07:002014-07-08T09:07:49.787-07:00Juniper Enthusiasm<div class="MsoNormal">
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<b>“She’s Not a Lush.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She’s a Juniper Enthusiast.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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-- Mike Doughty<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not long ago, I read an article about how gin is making a
comeback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was news to me. I
hadn’t realized that gin had gone out of fashion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For years now, I’ve been serving a drink
called a <i>Pink Peony,</i> made with
<i>Death’s Door</i> Gin, St. Germain elderflower liqueur, pomegranate juice, lemon
juice, and a splash of bitters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I suspect that s</span>everal
of my neighbors have become heavier drinkers because of that drink. I probably shouldn’t brag about that, but what can I say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Curse</span> of the Irish neighbor.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Unfortunately, I can’t remember where I read this
article about the gin comeback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's possible I was drinking too much
gin at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But from my perspective, the main memorable thing about the story wasn’t the return of gin and tonics as America's go-to cocktail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was that gin is now produced in
so many varieties and flavor profiles that we can now say there is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>gin for everyone</b></i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> What? A gin for everyone? </span>Even for scotch drinkers, who like their liquor up and peaty? Even for those people who claim not to like
gin, such as my husband? Naturally, I read this gin article as a call to arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time, I said. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>ime… for a gin gathering. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So I roped in some fellow juniper enthusiasts, and we got it on the calendar. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Our goal was simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We would test the premise by sampling a wide variety of gins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’d mix them all with the same tonic, or
sample them straight up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other than limes, we would mix in no other syrups or fruits or tinctures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our panel of tasters included people who drink a lot of
gin, people who drink some gin, and people who really don’t drink much gin at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like to say we planned it that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But really, we just invited people who wanted
to hang out with us or at least, to drink our gin. One way or another, it worked out.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Before the gathering, I had to do some research.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believe it or not, the internet is packed
with articles about alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It'</span>s especially easy to find information about gin right now, because of the comeback thing. Some sites are even declaring 2014, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Year of Gin.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
trendy of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also solicited
recommendations on Facebook, which was very fruitful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I ended up selecting five gins, representing
a flavor spectrum from dry to botanical to aged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t
that hung up on having a local gin, since my regular go-to gin is the locally produced, <a href="http://deathsdoorspirits.com/pages/spirits/spirits.php" target="_blank">Death’sDoor.</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">But then </span>a local gin expert
showed up with a few more varieties, including one from the Midwest. So that worked out, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<u>Here was our final list (with helpful links):</u><o:p></o:p></div>
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1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://newhollandbrew.com/our-spirits/knickerbocker/" target="_blank">Knickerbocker Gin</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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2. <a href="http://fewspirits.com/" target="_blank"> </a><a href="http://fewspirits.com/" target="_blank">Few Barrel Gin</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.boodlesgin.com/about/" target="_blank">Boodles London Dry</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://theginisin.com/gin-reviews/bombay-sapphire-east/" target="_blank">Bombay SapphireEast</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.drinkhacker.com/2012/07/05/review-uncle-vals-botanical-gin/" target="_blank">Uncle Val’sBotanical</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.stgeorgespirits.com/spirit/terroir-gin/" target="_blank">St. George Terroir</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.ginfoundry.com/gin/monkey-47-gin/" target="_blank">Monkey 47</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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The down side of the gin gathering was that -- well, everyone drank a little too
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it was a happy group of
taste testers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had to summarize
our findings, I’d say the British dry and the Bombay East appealed most to the mainstream palette.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The really
floral and spicy ones like Uncle Val’s and St. George Terroir and Monkey 47 were
the most popular with the true enthusiasts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whereas the barrel aged gin appealed most to
the gin skeptics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Personally, I poured mine down the drain. Too much like scotch. And I had to save room for the Monkey 47, with 47 different botanicals from the Black Forest. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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In the end, I think we did prove the rule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There actually is a gin for everyone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
what better way to celebrate the Year of Gin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Juniper Enthusiasts All.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-28011694696738257552014-06-11T09:03:00.002-07:002014-06-19T11:16:40.146-07:00So What, Who Cares? My Therapist Is Making Me Hate My Family!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7C7cjQzapcmpk__gDBhvzuwAPlx7D2Pol4VKKDK1IVe47bWGr8ynzimn6F6Rev9YNc8To6lMuWWmZUIPhQWIl8j8_g57DQmepSxXxHYtNhWktGKoCqHNFg0ofrLfVvh5xVH3UjAeWMlY/s1600/so-what-who-cares--v3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7C7cjQzapcmpk__gDBhvzuwAPlx7D2Pol4VKKDK1IVe47bWGr8ynzimn6F6Rev9YNc8To6lMuWWmZUIPhQWIl8j8_g57DQmepSxXxHYtNhWktGKoCqHNFg0ofrLfVvh5xVH3UjAeWMlY/s1600/so-what-who-cares--v3.png" height="296" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Dear Erin:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My therapist is making me hate my family, and resent
them for all the things I don't have (read: qualities, not possessions). She
wants my mom to come to a session with me. That sounds unbelievably painful in
the sense that I will have to listen to her martyr sob story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love this therapist and don't know what I
would do without her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But is this OK? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is putting me through a painful session with
my mother -- and turning me against them -- a good idea for someone trying to
help me?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Signed,<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Family Issues<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Dear Family Issues:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">There’s an old saying about therapy: You
spend the first five years talking about how everyone disappointed you, and the
next five years talking about how you disappointed everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t remember where I heard that saying. I
probably stole it from my husband, from whom I get most of my best quips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet I think this quip has the advantage of being not
only clever, but true -- at least, in a metaphorical sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as a motto
for dealing with family issues, it may be helpful for you to keep it in mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Therapy is painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> C</span>onventional talk therapy is easily
the second most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It ranks <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">far</i>
behind the first most painful thing, which was the hospitalization of my infant
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it comes out <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">well ahead</i> of the third thing: natural childbirth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emotional
pain is different than physical pain, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be more entangled, deeper, and more
enduring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I would gladly sign up for
nine more hours of natural childbirth than nine more years of couch talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is true even if this hypothetical birth once again involved Dr. Silverstein, who walked over to my face during a particularly hard
contraction and screamed at me to get my shit together. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Or maybe not. Whatever. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>hat’s how I remember it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One thing that makes therapy so painful is that
it forces us to think about how our parents – the people who were supposed to
love us unconditionally – disappointed us.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And
not just to think about that disappointment, but </span><i style="font-family: Calibri;">feel</i><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> it.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It doesn’t help
much to know that nobody is unique in this disappointment.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Because n</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">obody is perfect.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> And </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">some people are more imperfect
than others.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But unconditional love from even slightly imperfect people can still feel disappointing and painful to a
child.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And when we start to trace our current
shortcomings back to our earliest relationships and formative experiences, it’s
impossible not to get very, </span><i style="font-family: Calibri;">very</i><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
angry at the people who were supposed to keep the pain away.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">In some cases, "five years" won’t actually be
enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some family problems are too severe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some adult failures
are too unforgivable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
love is <b>so</b> conditional – and the disappointments so profound -- that they leave
people with holes in their personalities that may never go away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But ideally, <i>most</i> people will spend enough
time in therapy facing down the pain of childhood disappointment that they eventually get to another place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
that place – where the emotional wounds are no longer so raw, and the inner
child has been sort of adopted by the adult self --<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>you can start to move forward with an emotional lightness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that place, you can start to address your
shortcomings in a more positive, productive way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That second period of “five years” is about realizing
how your disappointed inner child has been a buzzkill for your spouse, a burden for your
friends, or an obstacle to your own aspirations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you like your therapist, then I think you
should trust her.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Facing your feelings
in the same room with your mom will be painful.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> OMG, will it be painful! </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is highly likely that she will double down on everything you hate
about her, and make you feel small and scared and exhausted all over again.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> It's conceivable that she will set you back in emotional progress for a while. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Or maybe she’ll surprise you. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But either way, if your mom is willing to do it, then I
say: why not?</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Facing your feelings about
her is a bridge you have to cross, anyway.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Her participation will just get you across that bridge faster.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nobody
can guarantee that your relationship will become stronger in the end.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nobody can promise that she will change.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But the beauty of therapy is this: That’s not the
point!</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By facing your inner child,
you’ll stop </span><i style="font-family: Calibri;">caring</i><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> as much if your family
is disappointing you.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’ll stop
reacting to their failures and imperfections so intensely.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Even if it’s more painful at first, won’t
</span><b style="font-family: Calibri;">that </b><span style="font-family: Calibri;">place be better than the sad, disappointed, lacking, hating place you’re sitting in right now? </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The world is full of
disappointment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting emotionally healthier
isn’t going to change that fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simply
going to help you move past your disappointment more effectively -- so you
aren’t wallowing in it, or inflicting it on other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not a therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I think you’re on the right track.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I were your mother, I’d be <i>very</i> proud
of you for that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-21649902678849682472014-06-04T08:24:00.004-07:002014-06-19T11:18:23.596-07:00The Mescal Thing<div class="MsoNormal">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><u><br /></u></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><u><br /></u></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><u><br /></u></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><u>The Mescal Thing</u><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><o:p> </o:p></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";">2 oz <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Del Maguey</i> Single Village Mezcal<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";">1 oz <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tres Agaves Reposado</i> Tequila<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";">Juice of 2 limes and 1 lemon<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";">1 oz orange syrup
reduction <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Apple Chancery";">Orange bitters<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0uj5NiKTq_8XznApfqe11rRred_4ntgNGD2iECc-odqDybQUYCL04G4ozQIr1GeHFtmXek9o7tyvvOVqO1c7RY8wIuF-3G1_cNIGVzZnt1lHS8MSQ8XTXoxlr3bgtAMQleQkt-2YS854/s1600/IMG_6999.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0uj5NiKTq_8XznApfqe11rRred_4ntgNGD2iECc-odqDybQUYCL04G4ozQIr1GeHFtmXek9o7tyvvOVqO1c7RY8wIuF-3G1_cNIGVzZnt1lHS8MSQ8XTXoxlr3bgtAMQleQkt-2YS854/s1600/IMG_6999.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you’ve never tasted Mescal, there are three possible explanations for your cosmic lapse.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first and most likely is that you just aren’t cool. In the last decade or so, hipsters have discovered their mixology repertoires weren't complete without the
<i>Lagavulin</i> of Mexican distilled agave drinks. To meet this pressing demand, American entrepreneurs started to import Mescal in much larger quantities.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I've heard that it's cooler to</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> drink mescal straight up, as the Mexican producers of it do, rather than mixing it.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But of course, the fact that I know<b> anything</b> about Mescal is just incontrovertible proof that it's fast on its way to being no longer cool. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> So there's that.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Another explanation for your mescal oversight
is that you don’t like tequila.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I get
it. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t like broccoli and that’s
healthy too.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> But what you need to know is that M</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">escal is like a
really smooth, smoky tequila made from the fermented mash of pit oven roasted
maguey plant hearts.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Technically, some people
will say, it’s not tequila at all.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To me,
that’s like saying a </span><b style="font-family: Calibri;">slider</b><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> isn’t technically a </span><b style="font-family: Calibri;">hamburger</b><span style="font-family: Calibri;">.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Technically, maybe not. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s like a smaller, more expensive, tastier version of the form.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">does anybody ever really </span><b style="font-family: Calibri;">need
</b><span style="font-family: Calibri;">more than an 1/8 pound of ground sirloin at a time?</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I mean, o</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">utside of Wisconsin. The answer is no.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A third explanation for your mescal problem might be that you don’t want to buy an artisanal distilled alcoholic
beverage imported all the way from Oaxaca, Mexico.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Cuz it's expensive. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And that’s a good reason not to buy it.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm not going to argue with it either. Personally, I refuse to buy fancy patio furniture. We aren't made of money. Fancy chairs that get rained on? No. But I have my priorities. And most of them are related to alcohol. OK, that sounded wrong. But seriously, mescal is </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">the <i>Lagavulin </i>of agave drinks.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The slider of tequilas.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The pit oven roasted fermented mash of cool.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I mixed some </span><i style="font-family: Calibri;">Del Maguey</i><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> mescal recently into
a drink that I served before a Mexican meal.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve
been teaching myself to cook Mexican food.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Why? Well, i</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">t’s a widely known fact that I am obsessed with Mexican food.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That’s because while French food is good,
and Italian food is tasty, and Japanese food is extremely yummy, Mexican food
was invented by the God of </span><i style="font-family: Calibri;">Food You Never Get Sick Of.</i><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> You can</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> eat an avocado in lime juice with melted cheese and crispy fresh corn tortillas every day for a week, then want that same meal again the next week and the next week after that. You can't say that about lasagna. Scientific fact. Look it up. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In one respect, this drink recipe is tricky.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> And not particularly fair. Because my </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">mom candied the orange peels for me.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She brought me </span><b style="font-family: Calibri;">not only</b><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> the candied oranges, but also a mason
jar full of the bittersweet orange syrup that she cooked them in.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why did she do this? Because she knows I am crazy about homemade mixers. Of course she does. It's her fault I'm like this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, if you want to make this drink, you need to first candy some
orange peels and save the syrup.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Another
option is just to make a homemade sour mix with this recipe, and mix in some
extra sugar and orange bitters.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I used orange bitters too, but you could use more. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The drink is basically a margarita, with a twist. I know I've featured a margarita in this column before. But the margarita was invented by the God of <i>Drinks you Never Get Sick of</i>. And if you serve these drinks (as I did) with chipotle tacos, lump crab guacamole, mango salsa, pico de gallo, trout escabeche – and creamy alcoholic
margarita popsicles for dessert – you will see the light.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A note on presentation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I used the candied orange peels as an edible garnish. Also, </span>I recently kicked my bar service up a
notch by purchasing a new ice cube mold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Sphere-Maker--Quality-Food-Grade-Silicone/dp/B00H8W54EK/ref=sr_1_3?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1401895415&sr=1-3&keywords=bartender+ice+cubes" target="_blank">This is the one I bought</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes neato ice balls that (if you have a wide mouthed rocks glass) are perfect for keeping a cocktail cold without the slushy melting mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like this ice made a
huge difference in enjoying this drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But chilling the ingredients before mixing -- and enjoying it up
(without ice) -- would be good too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A final note on this drink title.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I named/copied this drink after a cocktail I enjoyed at Heritage Tavern in Madison
recently, called The Malort Thing.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This isn’t a post about Malort. So that's all I'm going to say about that.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But you should try that too.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s the Mescal
of weird Chicago drinks that taste like grapefruit rinds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> Arriba, Abajo, al centro, pa dentro</span></i><span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-37435136839691692962014-05-07T12:44:00.001-07:002014-06-19T11:16:40.149-07:00So What, Who Cares? : Breaking Up with A Friend (Fifth Grade Version)<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Dear Erin,</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">My
11-year-old son has a friend who used to go to his school, a few years ago.
Not only did he switch schools, but his family moved farther away and
still this kid calls our house nearly every weekend for a play date. The
problem is that my son does not enjoy playing with this child at all.
Although smart and articulate, he can also be loud, obnoxious, rude, and
will often not listen when asked to stop any of his annoying behaviors.
His parents like to joke around about their son's ADHD (I'm no expert, but
if there is a kid deserving of this label, it's him). While I'll
occasionally cave and set up a play date when he calls, I'm usually faced with
the awkward task of making up an excuse so my son does not have to endure
another unpleasant play date. In other words, I lie. I tell him my son
has a birthday party, family visiting, a class to go to, he doesn't feel well,
etc. I lie to let him down easy because his disappointment is palpable.
I also lie so that my son doesn't have to. I feel like I'm setting
a bad example. I've tried screening his calls. But then he will
literally call every 10 minutes until someone picks up (he is usually calling
while unsupervised because his parents are doctors, one of them is working
while the other is sleeping after a night shift). I thought he would
eventually lose interest and stop calling but the calls keep coming. </span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">How can I
help my son break up with this lonely and frustrated child?</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Yours,</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">ADHD
Intolerant</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Dear ADHD Intolerant:</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">So let me get this straight.
A kid who may or may not have an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder, and who your
son doesn’t even like, calls your house every 10 minutes, nearly every
weekend? But you haven’t changed your number yet, or alternatively,
ripped the phone out of the wall? </span><span style="color: #141414; font-family: 'Avenir Next Medium';">Actually, I’d say you’re pretty ADHD <i>Tolerant</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">You’re certainly more tolerant
than I am. Granted, I’m the woman who once turned my terrace garden hose
on the twenty somethings who were loudly partying on the rooftop of their
brownstone next door. I was postpartum. Whatever.
It worked out. It’s a lot harder than you might think to hit a
rooftop with a stream of water from a garden house, twelve stories down.
Especially in a light breeze. And the twenty somethings didn’t
care, anyway. They just turned up the music and kept right on dancing,
excited to be cooled off by a refreshing magical rain shower.
</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Perhaps you want me to tell you to
stop being so tolerant. Well, I’m not prepared to do that. I
do hear your worry -- that your little white lies are setting a bad
example. I get that. Generally speaking, I’m a big proponent of
directness and straight talk. Lies and indirectness are unreliable
and ineffective forms of adult communication. But this is a
child. A pretty young child, at that, who may be emotionally disturbed.
Or fragile. Or as you put it -- in kinder and less pathological
terms -- just frustrated and lonely.</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">In another sense, of course, your
white lies are also setting a <i>good </i>example. They are showing
your son that it’s important to be kind and generous, concerned and tolerant.
It’s worth telling him that as he gets older, he will need to learn how
to speak directly to people he doesn’t like. It’s also worth pointing out
that you are lying to spare the child’s feelings, not to avoid your own
inconvenience. But at 11 years old, adult directness is not
appropriate. And I think it would be too harsh, even for your son to come
out and tell the kid the friendship is over. God knows, he'll probably
get enough of harsh rejection when he's older. </span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">That leaves one strategy: You
need to be much more direct -- and effective -- with your white lies. Right
now, you’re plugging up one leak at a time. The faucet is still dripping.
My advice is simply this: Tell the boy that your son can only have a play
date <i>every few months</i>. Say your son is very busy with
activities, trying to make more time for other friends, or has to spend more
time with his grandparents. If the boy -- or whoever is
supposed to be watching him while he digitally water boards you over
your phone line -- would like to pick a date, you’d be happy to set it up.
For several months from now. But then, when you schedule it, make
it clear he shouldn’t call again before that date. You get a lot of calls.
You get tired of answering it. And unfortunately, your son is
booked solid until July.</span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Ideally, this will solve a number
of problems at once. For the lonely kid, it will still give him something
to look forward to. It may even work like that anxiety therapy,
where patients are only allowed to obsess in discrete blocks, for ten minutes
at a time. In other words, it may help him learn to control his feelings.
For you, it should mean fewer phone calls. If it doesn’t, then you
have cause to address his behavior more directly – though still in an
impersonal, strictly logistical way -- with his parents. </span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">A new schedule will give your son
more time to recover between play dates. I realize this may not
immediately solve the bigger problem. This kid is the Brillo pad of
playmates. But over time, with better lying, this friendship will
fade away. I really believe that. Eventually, the
too-busy-to-parent parents will get divorced, or take new jobs. Or the
kid will switch schools, and find hobbies. Maybe he’ll even get some
therapy, more exercise, medication if that’s needed, and some other friends.
For his sake, I hope that happens. And ADHD <i>Tolerant,</i>
I know you do, too. </span><span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-10093959580850803282014-04-30T18:36:00.000-07:002014-06-19T11:16:40.144-07:00So What, Who Cares? Yikes, My Kids Are Learning About Sex on the Playground!<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Dear Erin,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";"><span style="font-size: small;">My daughter has been coming home from school with all
sorts of information about the birds and the bees that she didn't get from us.
Eventually, we learned that one of her 2nd </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">grade </span><span style="font-size: small;">classmates has been
"enlightening" the class with information that is at best exaggerated
-- at worst, completely invented. After complaints from parents, the
teachers tried to intervene. The child and his parents denied
responsibility. They claim their child doesn't know anything about sex to
begin with as they "haven't had that conversation with him yet."
What can we do to protect our child and get this to stop?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Signed,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-language: JA;">TMI<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Dear TMI:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Kids say the darndest things. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the time, their misguided utterances seem
pretty harmless. Consider this jumble of misinformation that my kids brought
home this year: 1) Taylor Swift has had 500 boyfriends, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2) North Korea is going to start a world war
(and win),<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3) Women can’t
vote, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4) Guinea pigs are cannibals, and 5)
Someone’s uncle is making a movie about their recess game.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">When kids get stuff wrong, parents can
usually just straighten them out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">My personal responses to those fact
nuggets, for example, were pretty simple:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">1)Wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>2)Wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3) Sexist and Wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4) Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>5) Um. No. Creepy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">What I can’t tell from your letter is if
little Billy Birds and Bees is harmless, or outright offensive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, if the kid is going beyond bad facts –
e.g. Taylor Swift is a sexual cannibal, or my uncle gave birth to a
guinea pig – to details about human sexuality that are violent, graphic, or terribly
age-inappropriate, then those parents were right to enlist the help of teachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In extreme cases, a school should probably
respond with age-appropriate sanctions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Since you used the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">protect</i>, though, perhaps you don’t find the kid so harmless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it bothers
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your daughter</i> to hear this graphic dialogue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the other parents are defensive, or in
denial -- and the school refuses to challenge them -- parents like you are left
to wonder how you can stop the sex, lies, and inaccuracy on your own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">I assume you’ve already told your
daughter that this lad is an unreliable informant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t control the crazy of other parents,
the crazy of their kids, or the inaction of authorities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we can exert some control over our
children’s personal filters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can urge
our children to report unsolicited rumors to us, then help them fact check, in
the privacy of our own homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will that
be enough for you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe. Perhaps Billy just has
a mysterious and untreated hormone imbalance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Once he stops eating soy, maybe he’ll stop acting out, and start having
whatever conversation it is, that his parents think they've already had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Or maybe that won’t be enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe his chatty ways are still
bothering your daughter, or disrupting her education, or presenting her with
concepts she isn't old enough to filter. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that case, I can offer this potentially relevant story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Many years ago, I took a job in an
office, and was placed on a team with several men who were predisposed to sexual
banter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They talked about their sex
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They asked about mine. They commented
on my looks. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to make it clear that, uh, I
was busy working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few months into this
job, I couldn’t take it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
told my supervisor that they were disrupting my ability to do my job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium";"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">My supervisor told me that legally, I could
file a complaint.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">I could escalate it
through "proper channels."</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Practically, though, this wasn’t likely to accomplish much.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">My colleagues might be reprimanded. I’d have
to confront them more publicly.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">And since
I still might have to work with them, this might be a bad outcome.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> For me. </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Instead, he suggested I simply ask them to stop.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;"> I’ve tried that, I protested.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Try it again, he said.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">This time, don’t smile.</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">Don’t sound friendly. </span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 150%;"> Look them in the eyes. T</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">ell them you need it to </span></span><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">stop. Immediately.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">And you know, it was great advice. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think of myself as a fairly brazen
chick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But really, I hadn’t even realized how
much I undermined my own message – in a stereotypically female way, I suppose -- through facial
expressions, verbal cues, and body language. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Ultimately, w</span>as I a bad feminist for failing to escalate
through proper channels? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know. Maybe.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> In any case, that's not the issue we're debating here. </span>But more to the point, it totally worked! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t force a big legal thing. Or make anyone
defensive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just delivered the best
outcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">I don’t know how relevant this story is
to your conundrum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just know that oftentimes, the proper channels can’t protect us. Or our kids. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If ignoring, and correcting, and legally
escalating hasn’t fixed the problem to your satisfaction, maybe it’s time to
empower your daughter to just let Billy have it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To tell him she’s wise to his lies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That his teaching style isn’t working for
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That she’s dropping his class. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> S</span>hut the kid down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Avenir Next Medium"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;">It’s nice to be nice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Especially on the playground. </span>But sometimes the best outcome is to stop getting
along, and start speaking the truth to crazy. Good luck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-18494949632371549112014-04-25T07:59:00.003-07:002014-04-25T12:16:02.440-07:0010 Random Questions the Internet Can't Answer<div class="MsoNormal">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn5zaJf2hLAiiTU6dV57aMrhyrjfHv8xs9mu_jha391PHkqzHutO7O_F42DqHRqgxB_Jrgln7uJfPup2FCSEgHBHwanecbUbW-cfoHlO77dZAbUJxsb9GDFSl8KuBkk-Mx7fW8rkqddmM/s1600/unicorn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn5zaJf2hLAiiTU6dV57aMrhyrjfHv8xs9mu_jha391PHkqzHutO7O_F42DqHRqgxB_Jrgln7uJfPup2FCSEgHBHwanecbUbW-cfoHlO77dZAbUJxsb9GDFSl8KuBkk-Mx7fW8rkqddmM/s1600/unicorn.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
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Don't you just love the internet?<br />
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I know it has a few drawbacks. Like, the reproduction of
rampant violent anti-female pornography. The spread of
prejudicial and dangerous misinformation. Terrorists. The encouragement
of ignorant and anonymous misanthropy in the comments sections of everything. The crippling of
conventional news outlets through millions of idiotic click bait stories. And way too many cover
videos of Gangnam style. People. It's done. <br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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But the internet has so many positive
attributes! Instructions for
how to Rainbow Loom. Lots of awesome cat/pet blooper video montages (mostly cats). Wikipedia: a
totally error-free research tool that means college students never
have to set foot in a library. Self Awareness Games -- Games that tell us which seventies hairdo we
are. Which Disney dwarf we are. Which Williams-Sonoma flatware line we are. And which hilarious celebrity we
would be, if we were actually hilarious celebrities instead of regular people
wasting valuable work time on buzzfeed. That social
network that uses 20% of our discretionary time.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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But my all-time fave thing about the internet is how it
can answer <b>any random question</b> I feed it. I love that!</div>
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One
time, for example, I was having trouble remembering stuff and I literally typed in the phrase, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">name
of bad wizard in that one movie</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Saruman. Boom. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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But listen, even the internet has limits. It can't do everything. I’ve been compiling a list of random
questions which, for some reason, the internet hasn't been able to answer to my satisfaction. Maybe these questions are just too dumb
and irrelevant. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also possible I haven't done enough searching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm not always that thorough, </span>and if I'm being totally honest, I sometimes nap during the day, underneath my cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">But what about these questions, internet?</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does anyone else get confused about which is real: The Unicorn or the
Reindeer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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For some reason, I’ve always had
a hard time remembering which is the real, zoological creature that also flies and
pulls Santa on his sleigh, and which is the magical animal that doesn’t
exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-language: EN-US;">I typed this question into my browser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNjoLbnj7m0TmSKKRrjkDds6Kg3G5-fneMx2fSVTRlLY6oh3Xdf_6Cn5COsHmbk-cOkHLMt7r7C4MzjKgLxEFJoSCs4qZkwc5ZoJNe8TJXU9oU-JIZn-08Gmrok-iVS-gt0tuIteG36Ko/s1600/unicorn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><o:p> </o:p> </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Do</span> kids raised by Stay at Home Dads (vs Moms) talk less?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Does this question sound sexist?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I don't know. </span>Sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know how women allegedly talk more
than men?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m curious about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The internet doesn’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is the Snuggle House literally the dumbest business
ever invented?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Some guy opened a business in my hometown called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Snuggle House</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where people would pay to lay down – LAY DOWN
– with a stranger. To snuggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There were lots of news stories about it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But none that answered this question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> I have my own opinion. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do people leave one morsel of cookie/cracker/whatever at
bottom of a bag?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look, I’m not pointing any fingers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I don’t understand the psychological
condition that compels people to open the pantry door, find one cookie is left,
break off half of that cookie to eat it, and then leave one, stale leftover piece in the bag. Who wants to eat that? The internet only gave
me recipes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why does Linked In only invite me to connect
with people I don’t know or like?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know how networking sites sometimes upload mass
contact information and then ask you to join?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, something is amiss with the algorithm over at Linked
In.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> N</span>obody relevant ever contacts me. Yet, on a constant basis, I get invitations to join from random women who used to live in my neighborhood then got
divorced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or husbands of women I’ve shared parenting lists with at school, but never even emailed with directly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I don't even use Linked In. Confused.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would the movie, Frozen, have done as well
without the "arctic vortex"?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think this is a really reasonable question, isn't it? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, I know nothing about the
movie industry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But was it just a coincidence that we experienced very cold temperatures just as a movie
about very cold temperatures was released? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, was it not a coincidence at all, Disney?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is
it not a violation of private property to let your dog poop on someone else's lawn?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Think about it. You can’t just unfold a lawn chair
and sit on my lawn, with a newspaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can’t throw trash on my lawn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t
walk across my lawn and plant flowers in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You can't fertilize my lawn with chemicals. </span>It’s my lawn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Private
property.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Likewise,</span> I can’t send
my kids over to your lawn, and let them poop on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> That would seem gross. </span>But for some reason, it’s totally acceptable
to walk your pet down the street, and let him poop on my lawn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I don't get it.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is it so hard to get rid of chipmunks?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honestly, I’ve looked
into this. I’ve gone to the hardware
store to ask about it. You can buy
poison to kill almost anything. You can hire exterminators to kill ants and flies and mice. You can get specialists to trap bunnies and raccoons. But nothing has been invented that actually works to get rid of chipmunks. I even tried to bury these beeping things that were battery operated and shaped like dildos. The whole thing makes me feel like Bill Murray in <i>Caddyshack</i>. I need help. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why don’t English speakers who live in China use Chinese names?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chinese is a complex language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I</span>n this country, or our neighborhood, at least, Chinese nationals often use English names when introducing themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Totally not their real actual names. </span>So why don’t Americans use Chinese names in China?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do
they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why don’t people from other cultures –
like Russia, or Japan – also use English names?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not trying to be rude, or politically
incorrect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just don’t get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do some people say you don't have to sharpen serrated
knives?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have gotten nothing but conflicting information about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we take our
knives to get sharpened, the place won't do the serrated ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The internet says you can. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is the correct answer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">(You can find this piece in a nicer font and with better editing <a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/erin-clune/2014/04/10-stupid-questions-the-internet-cant-seem-to-answer/" target="_blank">HERE </a>at Thought Catalog.)</span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-213457208959351502014-04-22T18:52:00.000-07:002014-06-19T11:18:23.595-07:00Mischievous Mixologist: The Campari Grapefruit<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>Campari Grapefruit<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>2 ounces Campari<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>½ ounce Cointreau<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>6 ounces San Pellegrino Aranciata
soda (or to taste)<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>juice half a lemon<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Avenir Black Oblique";"><b>several dashes Fee Brothers grapefruit bitters<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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Listen, I need to make this short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Short work week, lots to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Let's start by dispensing with the niceties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy fucking spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm sorry if that sounds rude. </span>I realize that in a lot of places, spring
started about a month ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in
Wisconsin, it’s just starting to warm up now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sort of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Almost. So that's why I'm</span> cursing about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t judge, moms. You know it sucks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s been a month since my last cocktail post, so let me now bring you up to speed on my drinking in the last 30 days. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For spring break, last week, we went to California.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We spent the first half of the trip visiting
relatives in the Central Coast area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
in-laws live in a one-taco town near Paso Robles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Going there is a bit like going to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Coachella</i>, but without the people. Or the music.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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There are plenty of opportunities to walk through vine
trellises, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That area happens to
be the “new wine country” (as depicted in the movie, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sideways</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to
local viticulture lore, the central coast now produces most of Napa’s cabernet
grapes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So basically, suck it
Napa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just kidding, Napa. Love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Also, </span>I love red wine but it gives me migraines
most of the time. Really, I don’t have a dog in this fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moving on.<o:p></o:p></div>
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After the in-laws bit, we drove down to Los Angeles for
Easter weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>L.A.: the city of angels. Cue the choir of naked
baby cherubs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In observation of Easter
weekend, we went to the beach, visited Universal studios, swam in the hotel
pool, ate Mexican food, and drank delicious cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Totes angelic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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One of my personal favorites was from a restaurant
called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A-Frame</i>, chosen by our friend and tour-guide-master-of-the-universe, Justine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The drink was called, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Trick</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And oh yes, it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Quite a trick, too. </span>It had some kind of hot and sexy blend of
tequila, cucumber, ginger, lemongrass, lime, and chile powder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is a picture of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Die of excitement now.</td></tr>
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I had another incredible drink at a restaurant called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mercado</i>, in Santa Monica. They call it a
spicy cucumber margarita.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s got
silver tequila, house jalapeno puree, and a chipotle salt rim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I were going to continue the
drink-as-lover theme, I’d have to admit: I almost left my husband for this drink. <o:p></o:p><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-4QDrLOAPZmw_XlN14Zb9Wgj5AP7lTTO73gpFs0Bp4qoeaj-dmo7OXFHMhlmMalno3GYvoQR4coI6NrzVc1JlKRqfhO7jQ13ZyXj2K0oTqkqeJPsUzVC6URfBQ1biaEuI8vP93rhTYGc/s1600/IMG_6553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-4QDrLOAPZmw_XlN14Zb9Wgj5AP7lTTO73gpFs0Bp4qoeaj-dmo7OXFHMhlmMalno3GYvoQR4coI6NrzVc1JlKRqfhO7jQ13ZyXj2K0oTqkqeJPsUzVC6URfBQ1biaEuI8vP93rhTYGc/s1600/IMG_6553.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's so green. </td></tr>
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So that takes care of one week. Now: What have I been doing for drinks the rest of the last month? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Well, the truth is that prior to my spring break
libations, I had been taking it down a notch. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to keep the old liver from turning prematurely into foie gras, if you know what I mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a long, cold winter marked by a lot of
snow and <b>a lot</b> of cocktails. They were good times, and terrible times. It was winter in Wisconsin. But once the thaw got under way, I thought it was time to slow things down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I
wasn’t drinking as much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least not during
the week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when I was drinking, I was
mixing much lighter cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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In your personal mixology repertoire, you sometimes have to consider the
strength of the liquor you’re drinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s obviously a vast difference in drinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you drink Jim
Beam Devil’s Cut, for example – a bourbon that I’ve used in the <i>Nashville Mule</i> – you’re drinking stuff that’s 90 proof. I’m no math genius, but by my calculations,
that’s 45% alcohol by volume. If you
want Tres Agaves Reposado Tequila – another spirit I have in stock in mi casa – you’re looking at 80 proof. 40%
alcohol by volume. Given that a nice
margarita mixes tequila and Cointreau (also 40%), you’re looking at twice that
volume of alcohol in your drink.</div>
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Well, nobody needs that on a school night.</div>
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So in my lighter spring cocktail mode, I started mixing with
lighter alcohol varieties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A great
weekday cocktail is the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pimm’s Cup</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pimm’s, always tasty and refreshing, is only
25% alcohol by volume.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can find a
lot of recipes on line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mix Pimm’s
with ginger beer sometimes, or just plain soda water, sour mix, and a little
simple syrup, which I keep in the fridge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few dashes of rhubarb or
orange bitters, and it’s a drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One. Done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A refreshing cocktail to cook
with, about as potent as a single glass of wine, but nobody ends up needing to leave the dishes for the morning. </div>
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And hint
to the guys: this is a VERY good cocktail for date night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can pace yourself without getting too
sloppy, so you stay fresh and clever for your long marathon night of <i>Game of Thrones</i>. Later. When you drop off your date.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Another fab lite spirit is Campari.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always loved Campari.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because
as far as apertifs and such go, I think it’s the spicier Italian cousin to Pimm’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And really, anything Italian is a little bit
spicier than everything British.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
some people think Campari tastes like motor oil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then, some people think that song <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Happy</i> is cool, and I find it massively annoying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially after hearing it 47
thousand times while driving (aka parking) in L.A. on the freeway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> There you go.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Frankly, I think more people would enjoy Campari if they mixed it in
cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I appreciate the old standard
blend of Campari and soda. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s tall,
dark, handsome, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> the
gentleman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it still comes on too strong for some
folks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So do I.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUOwVlUBec39zW9eECfmzSzFEHt2k3F_nFH390CFhURq09ClcZBOk263-3HaVrTocAWCgbwDM_qvctuor7hrDN83wz-A8fZrZT6kuwD23gSPwzaAPu9hlxUTpya6IPbE24F6CaQUi1muY/s1600/IMG_6597.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUOwVlUBec39zW9eECfmzSzFEHt2k3F_nFH390CFhURq09ClcZBOk263-3HaVrTocAWCgbwDM_qvctuor7hrDN83wz-A8fZrZT6kuwD23gSPwzaAPu9hlxUTpya6IPbE24F6CaQUi1muY/s1600/IMG_6597.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
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For you gentler souls, then, I’d suggest a Campari
cocktail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are a lot of variations
available on line but remember: If you’re trying to concoct a light
cocktail, you can’t mix Campari with Gin, and Cointreau.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Defeats the purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get around this problem with soda (which I
happen to love) and mix it sort of like a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pimm’s
Cup</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throw it over ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ahhhhh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">The drink I’m featuring here does use a little bit of Cointreau, for flavor.</span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">The great thing about mixing orange liqueur with Campari is that – surprise! – it tastes like grapefruit.</span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">Don’t ask me why.</span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">I really don’t know. </span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">I’m not a real mixologist. </span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">I just play one in my suburban midwestern village.</span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">Plus, maybe some things are meant to stay unsolved.</span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">Like that one day all of Manhattan smelled like syrup. </span><span style="text-align: start;"> </span><span style="text-align: start;">So mysterious. Am I right?</span></div>
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So. Here’s a drink you can feel good about sipping on a Tuesday,
and still get up fresh for -- wait for it -- Hump Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Salute!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Handwriting - Dakota"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Handwriting - Dakota"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Young Cato<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Handwriting - Dakota"; font-size: 14.0pt;">muddled mint<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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Friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Romans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Countrymen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Listen the fuck up.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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It’s almost the Ides
of March.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And beware.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because that means it's mid-March. And you know
what happens in the middle of march, if you live in Wisconsin. Dirty
ice. Yeah. I said it. Dirty ice. Everywhere. Glaciers of filthy black, dirty ice, covering every
surface in town. At some point, days and possibly weeks after the Ides,
these black ice glaciers will start to melt down. Then they will become muddy
lumps of wet dirt. Then eventually,
they’ll just be dirt. Somewhere around
the Ides of April, things will start to grow in the dirt. And then, after it snows a few more times, it will supposedly be summer. </div>
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The other thing that happened on the Ides of March is that
Julius Caesar was assassinated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>RIP,
man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tough luck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know about his murder, of course, because
it happened. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then William
Shakespeare wrote about it, in one of his three plays about stuff that really
happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>here was Mark
Anthony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this gypsy called The
Soothsayer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the gypsy tried
to warn him, but Julius Caesar ignored the warning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is allegedly because Julius Caesar was
ambitious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm guessing he was also a</span> little overconfident. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shakespeare didn’t
write that. But based on how things turned out, I think it's fairly obvious.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There are people – for example, one of my brothers – who truly fear the Ides of March.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Shakespeare totally spooked him with that creepy gypsy, and now he's afraid something bad might happen in the middle of March every year. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally, I’m not that worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, was the assassination really that bad? I mean, it seems like Julius Caesar may have had that
coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t he basically dissolve
the republic?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wasn’t he, in fact, too
ambitious?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he was like, the Vladimir
Putin of ancient Rome. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was everything Edward Snowden has been warning us about, in his secret encrypted
speeches delivered from Vladimir Putin’s summer home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Edward Snowden is just like the
Soothsayer, man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except less
Mediterranean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And more drunk on gratis dictator vodka.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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To tell the truth, my biggest fear about the Ides of March is that I might slip
on dirty ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I did that last
week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hurt my leg, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that sense, I guess Edward Snowden the modern
day Shakespearean Soothsayer is right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do have stuff
to worry about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The government is probably reading my blog. And your friends and countrymen sometimes betray you, and move to Russia. Also, dirty ice doesn’t have nearly as much traction as was once
believed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrdFFC6qYgnjhqDHJ8T_Hk-LVJBFjifvnpcjIGbZzspyTEdXcPcx_7xx5mSrO57PXIYZEDwkqzkbFBEUg_WyI_3-wWpusH-HwKPydZ_8KWhJeR3bHzsiuW6Hqu9s65TfTIJIqxJV0Jfw/s1600/IMG_5545.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrdFFC6qYgnjhqDHJ8T_Hk-LVJBFjifvnpcjIGbZzspyTEdXcPcx_7xx5mSrO57PXIYZEDwkqzkbFBEUg_WyI_3-wWpusH-HwKPydZ_8KWhJeR3bHzsiuW6Hqu9s65TfTIJIqxJV0Jfw/s1600/IMG_5545.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
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One thing my brother and I agree on, is that the best way to endure the Ides of March is by
getting drunk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was my goal last week, when I had a little party. My goal was to have a few friends come over to entertain me, in exchange for some freshly mixed cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There might have been a gypsy there, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe she was half Lebanese. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To my knowledge, nobody was
assassinated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One or two of my neighbors were late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they’re always late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p>I didn’t need a soothsayer to warn me about that shit. </div>
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In homage to Shakespeare and western democracy, I asked folks to sample 4 different cocktails
and then vote for their <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">least favorite</i>.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have read this cocktail column
in the past, you’ve seen a version of some of these drinks before: To be exact, the Nashville
Mule, and the Vortex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I enhanced
them over time, improved them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>hen I made up a few
more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And re</span>amed them to celebrate
the dirty ice season, the spirit of democracy, and the ghoulish specter of betrayal and death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig7G5AjEvn9UImnLMLJh4D-Sn-o7Jc4tc30JJeYFe1y41TeYEG799CppWPt95IcUz12N0nKyvnbvia87Z6ctj0U6WyQKU6lSIE9z380vJ4JAXbY2MyvEGlGuca_cYgsZQBmTz0J9m_Go0/s1600/IMG_5554.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig7G5AjEvn9UImnLMLJh4D-Sn-o7Jc4tc30JJeYFe1y41TeYEG799CppWPt95IcUz12N0nKyvnbvia87Z6ctj0U6WyQKU6lSIE9z380vJ4JAXbY2MyvEGlGuca_cYgsZQBmTz0J9m_Go0/s1600/IMG_5554.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Marcus Brutus (per glass): 1 oz Calvados, 1 oz dry vermouth, 1 oz cointreau,<br />
2 oz fresh squeezed orange juice, 1 oz homemade grenadine, juice half lemon, 3 dashes<br />
bitter orange bitters, and freshly grated nutmeg to taste. Shake with ice, strain into glass.</td></tr>
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I counted the votes when I woke up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I won't lie to you, t</span>here were some surprises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not even talking about the ballots that
were defaced with curse words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or the
ballots that failed to indicate a drink choice, and just voted for my cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally, I think the biggest surprise was the Young Cato. </div>
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Yes, even though I made it up myself, I absolutely thought Young Cato was going
down. I’m not just saying that because
it was a summery cocktail, with notes of cucumber and rhubarb and mint. Or because Young Cato sounds a little like a
gay strip bar, rather than a drink. But it ran out first! It got the least amount of least votes! I had so little confidence in
Young Cato, that I didn’t even take a picture of it. Sorry, Young Cato. I made you the featured recipe because I totally underestimated you. </div>
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But guess what, friends. Romans. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a good object lesson here. It's that we can’t have dictators telling us
what to drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And sometimes, the cucumber underdog drink is the countrymen’s favorite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I think that is e</span>ither because they live in Wisconsin and everyone is pining for summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or because secretly, they’re all gay strippers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess we’ll never know.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Publius Punch (per glass): 2 oz Four Roses Single Barrel bourbon,<br />
Homemade puree of fresh ginger and half a lime, 6 oz. ginger beer,<br />
half ounce simple syrup. Pour over crushed ice.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></td></tr>
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There was some talk of impropriety and inequity in the
voting process. I served the Soothsayer in jelly jars, and the other drinks in
urns and bowls. To be fair, you
can’t add a splash of soda to a 5 ounce jelly jar, and it might have needed dilution with bubbles. Also, jelly jars are the kind of thing you’d get
at a party in Brooklyn. And according to
the <i>New York Times </i>just last week<i>, </i><i>Brooklyn is
over</i>. It’s as over as pickled
ramps. And Moscow Mules. And fennel.
Just kidding, fennel isn’t over. I’m
still waiting though. Blech.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzOpODdq69E7DSlxiD3MUpZ57mYvvmduwF35m-zr_RKkZMoRdBql-2HEan-fRqGhRQCml1EPBvPYfHsrGYVUFew8cFzqQjsseQKo4EbhAtIx4l01NSWq7kKuLymqG-U4cnYTAqBLjfkDM/s1600/IMG_5547.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzOpODdq69E7DSlxiD3MUpZ57mYvvmduwF35m-zr_RKkZMoRdBql-2HEan-fRqGhRQCml1EPBvPYfHsrGYVUFew8cFzqQjsseQKo4EbhAtIx4l01NSWq7kKuLymqG-U4cnYTAqBLjfkDM/s1600/IMG_5547.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Soothsayer (per glass): 1 oz Death's Door Gin, 1 oz St. Germain elderflower liqueur, <br />
1/2 oz pomegranate juice, 1/2 oz homemade sour mix, 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice,<br />
2 dashes angostura bitters. Drink up in glass. Or In jelly jars. (So over.) <br />
<br />
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So in conclusion, Beware the Ides of March! Beware the dirty ice! And even though people
drank every last jelly jar right before stabbing it in the back (et tu Brute?), beware the
Soothsayer!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gratuitous picture of my cat, next to the punch bowl.<br />
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-68841852903235311032014-02-17T09:32:00.002-08:002014-02-18T04:29:18.466-08:00If You Close Your Eyes, Madison, Does It Almost Feel Like Nothing's Changed At All?<br />
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Last year, I told myself I
would not write another snarky post about big box stores.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This, for 2 reasons. First, I don’t want to sound like a broken
record. Those are hard to play on phonograph machines. Also, kids under 20 don't even know what a record is, so they will just be confused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Second and most important -- while I am fond
of quoting Jack Black, that the <b>world is turning to poop</b> – my<b> <a href="http://www.thedailypage.com/isthmus/article.php?article=32097">online editorial</a></b> about <i>Target</i> wasn't too popular either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Now, citizens of poop world, let me say this. I’m no economist. As far as I’m concerned, the Futures Market is a room full of gypsies with crystal balls. And <span style="line-height: 150%;">I do realize that big box superstores aren’t
the only places that sell enormous quantities of cheap consumer goods made in
unregulated work environments, ship them across the planet, and then stuff them into dozens of plastic</span><i style="line-height: 150%;"> </i><span style="line-height: 150%;">bags at checkout.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">As </span><a href="https://medium.com/i-m-h-o/4b57ff771ab7" style="line-height: 150%;"><b>I’ve written elsewhere</b></a><span style="line-height: 150%;">, there are even problems with relative do-gooder retailers like </span><i style="line-height: 150%;">Whole Foods</i><span style="line-height: 150%;">.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> Though</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> last time I checked, </span><i style="line-height: 150%;">Target</i><span style="line-height: 150%;"> didn’t list out the origin or environmental rating next to either its porch furniture or its “fresh
foods.”</span></div>
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Still, I was surprised by the overwhelmingly negative response to my
little article.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my readers so politely articulated,
my argument was naïve, waging class-warfare, annoying, inaccurate, whiny, and
dumb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And t</span>hat's exactly what makes the
internet so awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One can share her or his opinions with a wider audience, and that audience is free to make harsh comments that will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never go away</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Television is a blessing and a curse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anonymous internet bitching is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right </i>and a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gift.</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Everyone had a slightly
different take on exactly why I’m an idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One person said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Target </i>would
not undermine local business, because the neighborhood was not urban.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another person said <i>Target</i> wouldn’t
increase traffic because the neighborhood was already so urban.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My favorite unidentified person praised <i>Target</i> for being
so well-stocked and convenient. He gave the example of how he often <b>urgently</b>
needs things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Like, paper towels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And a lemon
juicer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prior to this comment, I had
not realized that lemon juicers were such a critical kitchen appliance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it definitely is a relief to know that recalcitrant
lemon juicers in Madison will now <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>have to hand
squeeze a lemon again. Not even for one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Had I been so inclined, I suppose I could have left a follow-up comment in regards to the fact that – had he really needed an emergency lemon juicer before Target built its <b>fourth</b> store in town -- there was already a locally-owned kitchen store (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Wisconsin Cutlery</i>) one block away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sells lemon juicers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there was already a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Walgreen</i>’s across the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sells paper towels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> As well as a</span> locally-owned
grocery store (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Metcalfe’s</i>) that was –
let’s see -- oh yes. Right next door.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There were other perspectives
on my idiocy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One woman pointed out that
“compact urban development” was the wave of the future for urban planning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“WHAT is the author thinking?” she asked, rolling
her eyes with capital letters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People who previously had to drive four miles in any direction to shop at <i>Target</i>, could now schlep their <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Target</i>
supplies back home in their bike baskets and “folding personal shopping
carts.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whoa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Stop right there, Olmstead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
fine to roll your eyes at me in the comment section of an online newspaper. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you’re gonna get all urban, I must
ask you: What the fuck is a folding personal shopping cart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone in New York knows the proper
term for those is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Granny Carts</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or in the ethnic Slavic neighborhood of
Chicago where my mom grew up: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bohemian
Zephyrs</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re going to cite the
urban cultural traditions that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Target </i>is
supporting with its new compact urban superstore -- which I have noticed, is so routinely packed with people
pushing around their folding personal shopping carts – then let’s get our terminology right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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But no, I get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all need more paper tablecloths. Washable,
reusable ones are just so hard to use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
even though you can get those at both <i>Metcalfe’s</i> and <i>Walgreen’s</i>, you can’t ALSO
go to ONE store and get a video game, a bath mat, and a gallon jug of lighter fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Plus, i</span>f you want a plasma TV on that SAME shopping trip, you can then load all of that into your folding fucking personal shopping cart for your short walk home.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So no. I’m not going to write a post
about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Home Depot</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm not going to write about how almost nobody who works there ever seems to know anything about the
products they sell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or about how even if they did, finding someone to help you in that store is a little bit like finding a public bathroom in New York City.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not be the one to say that if you
shop at <i>Home Depot</i> because it’s convenient to go there for drywall and light
bulbs and a new toilet seat -- and then since it's so convenient, you stop at their garden store and buy a few poinsettias and
a Valentine’s Day bonsai tree – then you might be contributing to the demise of a local, family-owned
garden store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">I’m not going to write that.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> Because then, when <i>Home Depot</i> opens another store in the heart of town and everyone cheers, I will be an idiot again.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">But I am going to write about </span><i style="line-height: 150%;">Johannsen’s Greenhouses</i><span style="line-height: 150%;">.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> Because t</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">hat store is gone now.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">In the </span><i style="line-height: 150%;">State
Journal</i><span style="line-height: 150%;"> story about the closing, Karen Johannsen DID NOT SAY that
the cultural hegemony of stores like <i>Home Depot</i> was the main reason they
closed.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">First of all, normal people
don’t use words like cultural hegemony. Just snooty academics. </span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> A</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">lso, the article emphasized that the Johannsens wanted to take advantage of a
solid offer to buy the lot, in anticipation of their retirement.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">That totally makes sense.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Of course, if you read <a href="http://host.madison.com/business/johannsen-s-greenhouses-a-longtime-garden-store-along-the-beltline/article_5ad90c3a-a869-54fa-a979-abd602abf99f.html"><b>the article</b></a>, you'll notice she did say this: The independents are going away. I don’t care if
you’re selling nails, books, or steaks,” she said. “Our youth has been brought
up on Home Depot and the big-box [stores].”</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Actually, one of the owners (who shall remain anonymous here, because this is the internet and because I can't remember which one it was) said something a
lot like that to me last year. Before they announced they were closing, I knew they were probably closing. And I was </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">thinking</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> about that conversation recently, </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">because</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> someday soon -- or maybe in six months -- it will be spring. I’m
sad about </span><i style="line-height: 150%;">Johannsen’s </i><span style="line-height: 150%;">closing,</span><i style="line-height: 150%;"> </i><span style="line-height: 150%;">because I used
to go there all the time.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">I didn't go because they were the cheapest option, or the most convenient, or even the most
friendly.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> In fact, s</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">ometimes the person helping
me was downright cranky.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> But </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">I don’t
mind that, because I’m usually the same way.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">No, the reason I shopped there was because those cranky garden gnomes knew
a shitload about plants.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">They knew what
perennials would grow under oak trees.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">They knew what indoor plants would survive in our cold, workout
space.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> (</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Or as I call it, our <i>dead body
room</i>.)</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">They knew that poinsettias are not great
holiday flora for devoted cat owners, because they are mildly toxic.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">And they knew that bonsai trees are not
a traditional Valentine’s Day gift.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">They just aren’t. </span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
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There was another reason I loved
it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had great memories of it from
childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mom has always shopped there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mom is an non-recovering gardenaholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several times a year when I was a kid -- on
the way home from school, or after ballet class -- we’d stop there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grew up on the south side of Madison, and it was right
down the highway from our house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved
the building, this large, rustic frame
with greenhouses along the back and sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Its outdoor sections were filled with durable goods like mulch, soil,
and adult human-sized pots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While my mom
scoured the store scooping up every sprouting petunia and snapdragon in sight, I would entertain myself by weaving in and out of the mulch bags, talking to the St. Francis statue about my dog, or playing
under the tables of plants in one of the greenhouses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Admittedly, I didn’t particularly
look forward to this excursion in the middle of the humid summer, when the
greenhouses were steaming hot, and the store was packed with obsessed plant people like, uh, my
mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in the winter
and especially early spring, when the air outside was still very cold, I totally loved
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It was sunny. </span>It<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>was toasty warm in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
whole place smelled like dirt and dirty water, odors which – playing there in my
winter coat and wool hat and gloves – reminded me of summer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">When I spoke with that <i>Johannsen's</i> owner, I thought she made it sound like the link between their closing and the rise of Home Depot, etc., was somewhat more causal. I recall her saying that the economic downturn -- </span><b style="line-height: 150%;">in combination with the popularity of big box stores like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Home Depot</i>, which had vast gardening
sections filled with cheaper and higher volume products</b><span style="line-height: 150%;"> – had reduced their
business over the years. She said it as she loaded plants into the back of my car, a personal service touch that they always practiced over there. Good luck finding a <i>Home Depot </i>employee willing to cart </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">your</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> bonsai tree out to the parking lot.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Maybe she was just having a
cranky day, and wanted <i>Home Depot</i> to suck on it.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> Maybe she had suspected a connection
between the rise of big box stores and the decline of mom and pops, but didn't say it that way to the newspaper because she didn't really know.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> Maybe the only way to really know is for all of us to start </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">shopping</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> at the new Futures
Market that just opened. Compact urban development. I hear they give out free economic analysis with every purchase. Those gypsies call it like they
see it, too.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Well, that's how I see it. Mostly, I’m just sorry I won’t be able to take my own kids
to <i>Johannsen's</i> again this spring. So they can play in the sparsely-filled greenhouse,
and drink in the smell of dirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll think of it every time I pass by, and see the
expanded <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nissan</i> dealership that is slated to take over the now empty lot. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728245629965158072.post-91866761507410396812014-02-13T10:37:00.003-08:002014-06-19T11:16:40.157-07:00So What, Who Cares?: Your Stupid Smartphone is Driving Me Crazy!<br />
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Dear Erin:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">One of my biggest pet peeves is how everyone now takes out their devices constantly, and checks their messages. The other day, at an Elvis Costello concert, the woman on my left did it every three minutes. It was like she had a nervous twitch. I very nicely leaned over and said, "Please, the light from your Ipad is very disconcerting. Every time you turn it on, it catches the reflection in my glasses and distracts me from the music."
She responded: "Well, you getting up to dance is just as annoying."
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">I wanted to smack her. </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">I was so shocked by her response, I mumbled something like, “Okay, so I won't dance.”
But this was ridiculous, because we were in the back row on the floor, and there was a seat between us.</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">My dancing did not block her view, nor was I touching her.
Later that week, during an IMAX 3D movie at a museum, the woman in front of me started looking at her Facebook account.</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Do you mind?</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">Please turn it off, put it away, and watch the movie.”</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">I could go on and on with examples like these. And don't even get me started on the people who walk around in the grocery store talking loudly on their cell phones as they shop.</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium';">And yet, no one seems to regard my opinion as correct.
What should I do?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Signed,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Sick of Smartphones<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Dear Sick of Smartphones:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I regard your opinion as correct. Well, for the most part, anyway. Checking your tablet repeatedly during a public concert could be distracting. This behavior might not irritate everyone, since concerts are usually loud and chaotic and packed with people who are doing zany things like dancing. But during a film -- where there should be a reasonable presumption of stillness and darkness -- these 4G speed freaks might as well be freebasing crack. It’s that distracting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">And yet, I must admit, I am probably one of the people you want to smack. I like to take videos and post them in real time so my friends know I’m <i>all that</i>. I like to check who’s at a concert, and chat publicly about it because that is cool. I frequently talk on my phone at the grocery store (even <i>Whole Foods,</i> when I can get reception) because I like to return calls while strolling mindlessly through the fresh fruit section. Shopping can be boring. And the bananas never have much to say. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">And, texting? OMG. I HEART texting. I’ve never understood those fuddy duddies who mourn the loss of “real conversations.” Real conversations? Is that what we used to have, over the phone? You mean those heartfelt talks with people who returned your call while strolling mindlessly through the fruit section? Most of MY real conversations seemed to involve waiting for the phone to connect, getting dropped, calling back, listening to a voicemail robot explain how to leave a message, and then recording a stupid message just to close the loop. The other person didn’t even hear the phone ring. They were watching a movie in 3D.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Texting, on the other hand, is awesome. It’s quiet, direct, efficient. And now, with emojis of zucchini, so very entertaining! I understand why some people hate it. It’s addictive. It sucks us small-minded people in. We open our phones in the middle of conversations, and concerts. But as an early adopter, I can’t help but view texting as a great advance to modern civilization. When I hear parents complain about how much texting their teens do, I just want to roll the videotape of myself talking, for hours on end, with my middle school girlfriends – phone cord stretched all the way down the hall, and under the door of my bedroom -- about the latest <i>Loverboy </i>album. Unfortunately, no such video exists. Because we didn’t have smart phones back then. Just perpetually occupied ones, with really long tangled cords. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">So, how can I harmonize these two, contradictory positions, and give advice on coping with gadget junkies, knowing full well that I drink in my own device like a speedball cocktail?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">Here is how. I sympathize with tech addicts, but I also follow the rules. As with so many issues of human behavior, this issue needs to be managed with rules. If there is a stated rule or even a strongly suggested policy against the use of devices -- and there is now at most movies, theatrical performances, public lectures, and school classrooms – then I put my device away. No questions asked. Done. And if I don’t, I fully expect to be reprimanded, and for other customers to complain. Shaming someone publicly for being disruptive is perfectly acceptable if that person was warned in advance that their behavior would be disruptive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">In the absence of official injunctions, I’m afraid this issue comes to down to common courtesy. And common courtesy only works, I'm afraid, if people share common beliefs. On this issue – with its rapid-changing technology, and its vast generation/culture gap – there isn’t much commonality. Whether you complain or not, the dance-hating ninnies will still record Elvis Costello for their fake friends on Facebook, and the middle aged losers will continue to answer phone calls from their mom (it’s always my mom), and force you to listen to their whole life story, while you chat quietly with your organic bananas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">There is simply no common belief system to govern this behavior. There won’t be for some time, maybe ever. I get that. There isn’t even one inside my own head. But that’s why people make rules. That’s why they have <i>Quiet Cars</i> on trains. And cartoons of canine-esque red balls that remind people to turn off their phones before a movie. That’s why we’re finally seeing laws against holding cellphones while driving. People couldn’t practice common courtesy. Or common sense. So they got rules. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Avenir Next Condensed Medium";">I understand why this issue bugs you. Smartphones are addicting, and distracting. But try to remember that we --- all of us, even the smart phone dummies -- put up with things that bother us too, all the time. You know what bothers <i>me </i>most in a movie? When the person next to me is loudly munching on a huge bucket of popcorn. I hate popcorn. Also, I have a pet peeve about listening to people munch while I'm trying to have an emotional moment with a hobbit. And some people seriously attack that popcorn like they are making sweet love to it. And that is obviously not OK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">Complain when you want to!</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">Enlist the help of ushers if you want!</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">But for your self preservation, you may also need to accept that some people in this world will always dance to the sound of their own ringtones.</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> And s</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">ometimes, all we can do is dance away -- across the theater, to a different seat – so we can’t see the phone anymore.</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Avenir Next Condensed Medium'; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Avenir Next Condensed Medium;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">Or hear the sound of </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">that infernally</span><span style="line-height: 21px;"> hot and heavy munching.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Erin Elizabeth Clunehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06714053109088641599noreply@blogger.com0