Good Evening.
There have been
a lot of heartfelt and beautiful sentiments expressed here tonight, about my mom and her long career as a clinical psychologist. So I feel sort of bad – for you all --
that I’m speaking last. Because I
am not going to speak from the heart. At all.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am Connie’s second
child. Or to put it in psychological terms you would understand: the
one who dethroned my older brother.
That, of course, was a paraphrasing of Alfred Adler’s theory of
individual psychology. I have absolutely no idea what it means.
However, I feel competent to pretend that I know what it means -- in front of a
large audience of people. That is
because I have a healthy and intact ego. Also, I was raised by a
therapist.
Some people will tell you that being raised by a therapist can
lead to psychological deficiencies. They may cite to you the old adage:
that the Tailor’s kid has always holes in his shirt. Except in
the case of a Freudian’s kid, I think the shirt would actually be the kids’
personality structure. The holes in his shirt would be things things
like Projection. Or Dissociation. It might even be Repression -- although in that
case, the proverbial shirt probably looks more like swiss cheese, has no
buttons whatsoever, and an entire sleeve has been ripped off, in a fit of self
destructive rage.
But there are some really positive things about being raised by
a shrink. Like, we learned a lot about ourselves. Or at least, the pathologies we were
likely to suffer from. One thing I really appreciated about being
raised by a psychologist was being told exactly what development
stage I was going through. While I was going through it.
And that was great because really -- what teenager doesn’t like
to be told that they’re only making bad choices because they have an
immature prefrontal cortex? Or that you feel embarrassed by your parents – not because they say
weird things about your prefrontal cortex – but because you are undergoing a
normal process of individuation.
To be serious – for just one moment – my mom is a superb parent
and professional. We know that
because everyone else has already said it tonight. But now that I’m an adult -- and have my own kids -- I
can really appreciate my mom’s therapeutic insights even more. I was especially
grateful for her help when our second daughter was potty training.
Because despite my mom’s best efforts, I’m a control freak. And as you
all well know, getting into a power struggle with your four year old, about
when and where to go poop, can have severe and lasting consequences.
My mom’s expertise especially comes in handy when we need her to
babysit. Because she’s very easy to manipulate. All we have to say is that we’re worried about one of the
kids. And she will throw a dollhouse in the back of her car, grab a bag
of handmade, felt-covered wooden figurines, and toss in a miniature potty
chair. Just in case anyone
wants to get down on the floor and do a little role play.
Given what a true therapist she is to her core, I know that my
mom will do fine out in the real world.
The only concern I really have is that she know – while she’s going
through it-- that retirement might turn out to be a big transition for
her. That is why I have put together a short list of developmental
insights of my own – to help you, mom -- so that you can be prepared for what
you might face. And again, everyone, please keep in mind -- as I run through
this list -- that I know absolutely nothing about actual psychology.
First, mom, retiring can involve fears of the unknown. To
some people, it can feel very scary.
Like they are falling off a cliff. Mom, it’s going to be
important in the next few years that you practice object permanence. Even when
you’re sitting in your bathrobe at 11 am -- cutting out clippings from the New
York Times, or making biscotti along with a cooking show -- try to remember that people – real
people
-- are out there for you. Also, if you have any problems with reaction
formation, now would be a good time to let us know. Because going
out and actually falling off a cliff -- just to dispel or counter your fears –
is probably not going to be a good choice.
Second, mom, retiring can give some people anxiety. And sometimes, even depression.
That is obviously different for everyone. But as you know, anxiety and
depression are just anger turned inwards. So mom, if you’re feeling
anxiety, try to figure out what’s actually making you angry. Most of the
time, it will probably be dad.
So dad, you need to get ready for that too.
Third, retirees can sometimes feel adrift without a lot of
structure. Another way to say that is, after a lifetime of working, they
can have trouble self-regulating. Mom, I don’t have a lot of original
advice here. Except to say that Carrie and I are here for you -- ready
for you to come over and do some “play therapy.” Also, remember that you
have a completely mature prefrontal cortex. Use it.
And fourth, people who retire sometimes forget to take advantage
of the freedom they finally have -- to pursue their other dreams. Mom, I know
you’ll have a lot of fun and exciting things to do once you settle into your
new phase in life.
But just remember something you never failed to tell us: Life is
about balancing intimacy and autonomy. You don’t need these people
anymore.
They were just here to raise you.
Until you were ready to fire them. Now, you are about to go through a normal
process of separation. And my advice to you, based on my own experience as a teenager, is this: If you ever find any of them embarrassing, don't bother telling them. Just tell them to duck down in
the car, when your other friends are walking by, and pretend they aren't even there.
Thank you, and good night.
